andsuddenlydynamite | (no subject)

"Hey Ryuutaro... I know this is gonna seem like a real pain in the ass but... would you mind changing my other bandages too? It's either you or Shamal... and I'd rather have you do it."

That and doesn't want to have to strip down and sit around awkwardly freezing his ass off TWICE today. That and the bandages were already in bad shape from the abuse of the training. He had just reused them after he was done bathing... probably not the smartest thing to do, but he wanted to get back to Ryuutaro.

"I don't mind at all", as long as the wounds got taken care off he was satisfied right now.
Yes, these bandages definitely needed to be changed. Ewww. Ryuutaro removes them as well. Seeing the remnants of the wounds underneath he pauses for a moment. How much more of such wounds was he going to see from now on?
Ryuutaro brushes the thought aside and reaches out for fresh bandages, finishing his work on Hayato.

Hayato could feel Ryuutaro's stare and tenses up. Maybe he should have just let Shamal handle it. Ryuutaro always worried... one of the reasons he forced himself to walk off his injuries so much.

Though, Ryuutaro would surely notice that the wounds fall right on top of a rather prominent set of scars Hayato had since... well... the first day they met. Hayato smiled a bit and decided to help Ryuutaro along by unwrapping the bandages and removing the splint on his broken hand.

"Y'know... when we first met I had these injuries and they were just finishing healin' up. Kinda ironic when y'think about it..."

He looks down at the hand, the bruise almost black over the back of his hand, and the shoe print pretty visible on his flesh. He twitches his fingers, hurt a bit more without the splint but that thing was driving him nuts. He moves his hand to Ryuutaro's cheek and begins to gingerly stroke it with his fingers.

"It is. It's just like the Author to make you go through something twice though..."

For a moment he lets Hayato caress his cheek, saying nothing. His face was serious. These wounds... he was going to see more wounds in the future. Many, many more, he could be sure of it. It was useless to get shaky about it. The fortune-teller closes his eyes for a moment and as he opens them again, he seems a bit stronger, a bit tougher again.

"But we're away from her now."

Hayato shrugs nonchalantly, "Didn't kill me the first time, won't kill me the second time."

Thought that didn't mean he had been any less terrified the second time. It had hurt. He had afraid he was going to die. But these were worries he wouldn't share with Ryuutaro. He had to make it so everyone thought he was fearless, so that he could bare their burdens as well as his own.

Then... there was that look. That toughened hardened look. Hayato's brows knit together in and he moved his hand to take Ryuutato's chin.

"Don't give me that look. Please don't give me that look. Don't try get used to this. If you get used to this then you're no better than I am. If you get used to it then you'll lose a part of yourself forever. Please."

And he places a brief but firm and apologetic kiss on Ryuutaro's lips. Ryuutaro came from such a nice innocent world, Hayato felt guilty enough for pulling him away from that, but the have Ryuutaro change to accept this cruel reality as everyday life? Hayato wouldn't be able to handle that kind of guilt. He remembered what it took for him to lose his naivete after months on the streets. He remembered how bitter his outlook on the world became, how he had started to hate it. No, if there was anything Ryuutaro had too keep it was the sense that this was not normal. This was cruel, that it wasn't supposed to happen, that it was something that needed to be prevented. That the world was still a place that could be fun and carefree. Hayato needed to keep that up for Ryuutaro.

Ryuutaro didn't know how to feel. 'Don't try to get used to this'... but what else was he supposed to do? What else could he do? He didn't want to feel this way all the time.
Ryuutaro looked off to the side for a moment before facing Hayato again.
"I've been spending the past year getting used to these things already. And now that we're gone from the Manor and I know that things will stay as they are, I do want to adapt to it. I've seen so much already, there is no going back anymore."
He felt a bitter about it. He, who was supposed to know much more than an ordinary human ever would, had found out how horrible knowledge could be.
He knew he could not unsee any of what he saw and felt. Even if he was to return to his world, he would not be able to go on the same way. He was too far gone.
"Changing does not necessarily equal losing yourself. I will be fine."

"You won't smile the same again."

He wraps his arms around Ryuutaro and just holds him in his arms.

"You won't be as happy anymore. The world won't be a good place... you'll turn cynical... and angry and then you'll end up like me."

He pets Ryuutaro's hair, holding the boy maybe a bit too tightly in those strong arms.

"This isn't how it's supposed to be, Ryuutaro. The world isn't supposed be like this. It'll get better. I promise it'll get better. So please don't get used to a world like this! Just keep smiling like you always do, and bare with me for a little while. Can you do that for me? Please, I'm begging you..."

For once Ryuutaro couldn't just melt into Hayato's embrace like he usually would. A sort of tenseness just wouldn't leave his body. He wanted to be cut out for this world so badly, but he knew he wasn't. And now Hayato practically told him to stay a stranger to the place, at least it felt like it.
"If I'm honest, I don't know if I can. But I won't lose myself in any of this, you can be sure I won't."
What Ryuutaro wanted was to make this world his own, get on top again. He needed to, it was his destiny. And for that he'd have to get used to this. He felt as if someone like him who would always stare in shock at seeing too much blood, someone like he was now, would never be respected in a world like this.
Even if Ryuutaro didn't care overly much what people thought of him, that was only when he had some basis of respect and admiration around him.
He'd always put so much effort and hard work into reaching what he wanted, this just needed to continue now.
He loved Hayato more than anything, he knew he would stay with him no matter what, but he couldn't live being 'just' at his side, only a sort of addition to the other boy. He needed to have a name for himself or else he wouldn't have enough breathing space.

"Hayato...? You're starting to somewhat crush me if you hold me so tightly."
Ryuutaro felt odd saying this, but he couldn't hold back. Even if he did his best to make his voice sound light, he felt lost.

He could feel the tenseness... and then for the first time Ryuutaro asked him to let go. Suddenly it felt like his heart had turned to lead and just dropped into his stomach. It was like there was this rift that suddenly formed between them.

"R-right... s-sorry."

And reluctantly he let Ryuutaro go, not making eye contact. He looked down at his hand and quickly grabbed the splint and re-wrapped it all together. It was an unusually sloppy job for him, he just wanted the injury out of sight for now. Satisfied with however Ryuutaro treated his injures he gets up and puts his jeans and shirt back on in an awkward silence.

"I should... I should start tryin' to figure out how to work the Systema C.A.I... um... if you want, I'm sure Hibari will let you stay with him."

He kept his gaze to the floor and off to the side, he felt so horrible. Why did he selfishly with for Ryuutaro to stay with him like this? How could he have ever wished that? He would have been happier in his own world, as if everything that happened today wasn't a testament to that. This world was hurting him, and it was going to keep hurting him, and it was all his fault. He would try to do his best to make it better by shouldering as much of Ryuutaro's burden as he could, as well as the Tenth's, hell he would take the burden of the entire Vongola family if that would help. He was going to just pretend that everything was fine, and work as hard as he could to MAKE everything fine. He would bury his fears, and his pain, and everything else to make it easier for everyone else.

So he took a deep breath and looked up at Ryuutaro with a forced little smile on his face.

"Since I'm sure I'll be boring company while I work."

Ryuutaro didn't know how to act for once. He could feel how he had just hurt Hayato, he could feel how much things weren't alright for neither of them. They hadn't felt that apart for ages now.
He could see how fake that smile was. Ryuutaro shook his head.

"No. I'm staying here with you." In this library, this world, whatever this should be seen as. For a moment Ryuutaro let those words just float through the room, before going on like usually.

"It's not like I'd need entertainment all the time, really. I like when it's quiet."
And he was most definitely not going to leave if he wasn't forced to.

Gokudera's eyes dropped to the ground again, like there was just something pulling them there. Like he felt guilty for simply keeping Ryuutaro in his presence.

"If that's what you want."

And Gokudera picked up the backpack and moved to the table, taking out the sixteen boxes, and some paper he sat down to work. Or try to. He didn't have his glasses... not that he could really focus anyway. He would just try to go through the motions of working so that he could say he was doing something. He is forced to squint at the paper as he starts to write, and he looks over the boxes. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs in frustration at everything. He tried to think, to remember, but there was the fog over his memories that prevented him from remembering, and then there was that nagging ache in his chest, and the nauseating knot in his stomach. He just couldn't focus at all.

Ryuutaro didn't even go to the effort to try starting to read again. It seemed pointless. He wouldn't be able to focus on anything theoretical at this point. There was just so much distance between them... Distance. Ryuutaro once wouldn't have minded. Once. How long was that ago now?
The boy leaned against a bookshelf, not knowing what to do now. Slowly he took out Pisces, letting his fingers run over the familiar shape.
He briefly wondered if it would give him an escape to just get inside his Distortion Drive and enjoy the familiar nothingness, but it was silly. He couldn't run and hide.

For around half-an-hour he said nothing, just sat there listening to pointless thoughts chase each other through his head. When he decided to speak it was without thinking things through further first.
"I'm not the same person anymore who you met back then in the space ship... Isn't it only natural that I won't be the same as now anymore in the future?"

"I know... but..."

He sighed. There was no way Ryuutaro would understand how he was thinking without a proper explanation about the teen's reasoning behind it... which meant he had to tell Ryuutaro about his time on the streets. A topic he had so pointedly try to avoid for the duration of their relationship.

The teen looked up at his boyfriend and gestured for him to come over and have a seat at the table.

But what?
Ryuutaro got to his feed immediately, walking over as he was wordlessly told to.
So what now? What exactly would he hear or not hear? The boy tilted his head, wordlessly asking for the reason.
Anything to make them actually understand each other again would be most appreciated right now.

He took a deep breath. He wouldn't go into detail about everything that happened unless Ryuutaro asked.

"When I first ran away... for about the first week or so I hoped my father would come find me, and tell me everything I heard was wrong... even if I knew he was lying, I just wanted him to come back. After that week, I thought that maybe he just couldn't find me, so I tried harder to be more noticeable. Started stealing food from markets, got caught, picked fights. After a few months I finally realized that he wasn't gonna come. Then something sorta changes, I started taking more serious jobs, stealing motorcycles, cars, breaking into safes. Pulling hits, and... I saw a lot of shit... and I did a lot of shit, real bad shit. After that... I was just... different. It's hard to explain... but I just wasn't the same after that. I didn't care if what I did was wrong... nothing fazed me at all... I was... just numb to everything... I just got so used to everything."

He looks up at Ryuutaro, "If the same thing happens to you... and you change like I did... if your smile changes... I'll never be able to live with myself. You don't smile the same after you've become so desensitized to everything. This world isn't always so bad Ryuutaro... just give me a little time to fix it."

He hoped Ryuutaro would understand what he was talking about. He had seen him as child... he knew he was just so vastly different from that little boy with with big bright smile.

Edited 2011-10-05 16:21 (UTC)

Ryuutaro listened silently and even after Hayato had ended he didn't say anything for a while.
Even if had already known some specific scenes from Hayato's past, this was a part he'd mostly been unknowing off until now.
Even if he'd thought about this period of Hayato's life it was just different to hear him talk about it.

"It's not that I think your world is bad...", even if yes, he did hate it, from the moment he arrived. It was more that Ryuutaro had realized his world was horribly... naive. It hurt to think like that, especially with all the pain he'd gone through in the place, all the pain everyone had felt...

And Ryuutaro did understand. He remembered this moment when he arrived all-too-well. When he would've let Yamamoto die without any second thoughts, if there had been any assurance Gamma would start on him.
Not that he ever had been a nice, caring person to start with, but at this point he had been scaring himself.

Hayato knew Ryuutaro hated this world, and he knew Ryuutaro had changed in his time at the manor. They both had, though it was ironic, Ryuutaro had become a harder person while Hayato had grown softer. The difference was, seeing such horrific things still made Ryuutaro cringe and look away and he would be bothered, while Hayato could just move on an tolerate it. Ryuutaro was still delicate, and Hayato would do anything to keep him like that.

And for now that meant reminding him that things wouldn't be like this forever. Maybe change the subject. He hated dwelling on that part of his life. Now, they had something fun to look forward to together. They were going to live together, and be together. Hayato reaches for Ryuutaro's hand, and places both his hands on top of it, though rather awkwardly due to the brace.

"Hey, when we get back home... I should... I should save up for a piano! I know how much you like it when I play... th-that'll be nice right?"

Ryuutaro blinked in surprise. That was unexpected. He understood that Hayato wanted to escape the awkwardness and show him what there was to hold on for, but to go for something major like a piano of all things? It caught him by surprise.
For a short moment he was unable to speak and then he smiled a faint little smile.

"It will. Of course, it will. There is hardly any need to stutter about such a thing, is there?"
He paused. It was difficult. He didn't just want to leave the original subject like that, but he was sure continuing would only end painfulness. Maybe he should just accept Hayato's escape.
"And even without that... Starting over new like this is a fascinating thought. How many people can say of themselves to have just changed worlds like this?"

A smile. It was small, but it was a smile. A smile Hayato returns, as he just seem to desperately grasp at any sort of positive feedback from Ryuutaro. He needed it. Anything he could get. He wanted to reach forward to take Ryuutaro's hands in his own, to borrow as much strength from the boy as he could.

...but then Ryuutaro would feel how his hands were trembling. He would know how afraid all of this made him. He couldn't show his fear and weakness. Ryuutaro needed him to be strong. The Vongola needed him to be strong.

"Yeah! When we get home, I can show you around Namimori, and we can go out for dinner! I'll have to go to school again... but I skip most of the time anyway, so I won't be gone too much! A-and my apartment, I'll have to fix it up some, but it's not so bad! It will be fun! And we'll be okay!"

So please just smile for him just a bit more... he'll do whatever it takes...

Ryuutaro nodded again, playing around with his fan a bit.
"I never quite understood how school is mandatory in other worlds...", he commented on the first part, because it had been something that had been confusing him from the very start at the Manor. Wherever he got people were surprised about him having a profession and actually working, while to him it was perfectly normal.
And then it hit him.
"Wait... I hope you and your world realize though, that I won't be going there at all?"
The thought alone seemed just plain ridiculous to him. He was able to read and write and educated in his chosen way of working, what more did he need?

The good thing though was that they were drifting back into normal conversations, away from that distance, that gap between them.

"I don't get it either... I mean I was outta school for four years and I still know more than all the teachers, so I just skip a lot."

He laughed a little, it wasn't his usual hearty laugh, but it was a laugh.

"I figured. It's not like you're really registered or anything in my world, so I don't see why you would. If there's anything you need to know about it, I could probably teach you anyway."

It was good to be able to talk about something that given the situation, was totally unimportant, but it was a shred of normalcy. Hopefully it would ease Ryuutaro. Hayato knew he would have to keep that gap open for a bit more for his boyfriend. The less he knew the better off he would be. If he couldn't see the damage then it couldn't change him, if Hayato could just keep showing Ryuutaro all the good things... then it would all be alright!

"I don't see why I would, but then again, even I can't predict all possible situations in the future. I've never even entered a public school, so maybe I've missed out on something important. I consider it unlikely."
Yes, even if school had been mandatory in Beyblade world, Ryuutaro would've probably gotten a private teacher. He used to be a spoiled kid like that.

And he actually didn't know about the things taught in school. He knew writing and reading and magic, it was all he needed. Maths outside of beyblade physics for example was something that he had remained completely oblivious of in his life. He'd just never needed these things.

"I could... teach you how to speak Italian.... erm... if you wanted."

It was a bit of a bold offer on his part. He didn't figure Ryuutaro cared much for his native language. He hadn't really expressed much interest in his culture other than how it pertained directly to Hayato. It was probably stupid for him to ask. It was a ballsy move on his part after all. He chuckles nervously and looks off to the side.

"Or maybe I could try to teach you somethin' useful instead..."

It was true, Ryuutaro's interest in foreign cultures was extremely low, an exception only made for the regional fortune-telling methods.
Italian... It always sounded so foreign to Ryuutaro's ears, he knew he'd be embarrassing himself a lot trying to speak it. Reading a menu was already hard enough.
But then again, it had always been bothering how he couldn't understand a word of the Italian things Hayato said sometimes. Having at least a basic grasp on the language would make him less of an outsider to Hayato's origin.

"I suppose knowing the essentials of your language would be convenient.."
If he doesn't embarrass himself trying. Which he would. The dark, dark side of this. Maybe understand would be enough?

And from just that little agreement alone was enough to make his face light up. He knew what Ryuutaro was like. For him to agree to this, to take in a part of his own culture, it made Hayato feel a bit closer to him. There had always been a bit of a cultural gap between them, Hayato was only able to clumsily integrate into normal Japanese culture after all. Though considering he went from life on the streets a world away only to get thrown into the life of a relatively normal life in such an old established culture. He had made strides in it, but in all honesty he was FAR from ever fitting in. It was a tough thing to admit but the turmoil and violence of this time was far more natural to him than his regular life in Japan.

But if Ryuutaro learned maybe a little bit about where he came from... then he wouldn't have to try and hold so much of it back. It would be so nice to have just a little bit of familiarity, even if it was something as simple as his language He didn't care how poorly Ryuutaro spoke it.

"All we have to do is hold out a little longer... then everything can go back to normal!"