andsuddenlydynamite: ([injured] DON'T TOUCH THE FACE!)
andsuddenlydynamite ([personal profile] andsuddenlydynamite) wrote2010-07-28 10:55 pm
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When Hayato found himself back in his world, alone, he naturally had written off what happened at the manor as a dream... but at the same time... he couldn’t help but feel the pangs of heartbreak. He felt stupid for falling for something that had to have been a dream.... but the idea of having someone that loved him for just being him... it... it was too good to be true... but didn’t matter now. He had to push his feelings aside. His future self had failed the Tenth, now he was in the future with his boss to try to prevent this from happening. But it wasn’t easy, the Vongola were being hunted for their Vongola rings by the Millefiore family. While he didn't want to admit it... he was scared. He had already failed the Tenth once, he was in this strange foreign world where there was a price on his head, and to top it all off he had lost the boy who loved him.... naturally his mood had taken a SPECIAL turn south. He had already lashed out on Yamamoto a few times. Now him and the baseball idiot were screwed into an all knew lifetime because he lost his temper. One of the Millefiore generals had engaged them in a fight, Yamamoto was down, and now Hayato was being toyed with by Gamma. The man had him pinned on the ground, stepping on his hand until their was a sickening crack. Hayato screamed in agony but refused to say a word... he would gladly die for his boss’s sake. This was all his fault to begin with. If he hadn’t acted out... if his future self hadn’t failed his boss....
deeplymeaningless: (Evil-Plan-Grin)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-10-31 08:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Straight to the point. At least Tsuna could get that right, even though it only annoyed him further at the moment. His face didn't show anything of it though. Instead he smirked his usual smirk, giving away nothing of what was going on inside of him.

"He's in the library, if you want to go looking for him. But I'm afraid I have to warn you, fortune might not be with you when you talk to him. He's not... very communicative these days. But since it's you maybe things are different?"
deeplymeaningless: ([Smirk] Your arrogance will be your doom)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-10-31 09:47 pm (UTC)(link)
"I suppose you could very well describe it as 'that thing'", Ryuutaro replied, following Tsuna back to the library. He didn't mean to leave for longer than a few minutes anyway, he'd just needed his head cleared.

...

...and another person. Another reason Ryuutaro really wanted to get out of this underground-place. It was crowded.

"Is there anything interesting to see?", he asked sweetly, because concern or not this was spying on his boyfriend and honestly, Ryuutaro was not amused.
deeplymeaningless: ([shock] [anger] Feeling so impure)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-10-31 10:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro untangled from the other two boys as quickly as he possibly good and his first proper action afterwards is crawling away.
Only after that is done, he turned to look at Hayato. With Uri.

So he did it. So he really did it, after all this time. For a moment Ryuutaro was just relieved. Everything needed to turn out right now, there was not a single bit of doubt.
With the relief came a desire to just run over to Hayato, press against him, then put him to bed...

But no. What did he even think? Leaving everybody hanging like this, doing stupid things, making him worry, leaving him basically on his own in this horrible, hateable place?
Suddenly Ryuutaro'd pride didn't allow him to move a single inch towards Hayato. How could he? He was such an idiot sometimes!

... and then there was this part of him which he desperately wanted to ignore. The one who still couldn't believe that this world, this weird, horrible place, was going to be his homeworld.
And who told him Hayato wouldn't do this more often? Tsunayoshi had seemed used to it. And he knew perfectly well how Hayato could be.... how he was most of the time actually.
This was... stupid. And just a bit too much to take.

The different feelings and urges just crashed down on Ryuutaro like he expected the ceiling to do earlier.
He knew, if he did anything now, it'd be stupid.
So Ryuutaro remained where he was, doing nothing at all in a desperate try to seem composed and get himself together already.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] So. Unimpressed.)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-01 09:44 pm (UTC)(link)
At least they were alone now. It made Ryuutaro feel a tiny bit better. Keeping this between them gave him a bit of safety. Then again it meant that there was no distraction, no escape at all.

The fortune-teller still had no idea how to feel, but he stood up at least, without moving over to Hayato though.

"You did it", he said, "I'm glad."

It came out a bit toneless though. He just couldn't make up his mind about a single thing right now. It wasn't a lie though. If not anything else, at least he was telling the truth.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] Look right into your heart)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-01 10:27 pm (UTC)(link)
This head-smashing did have it's effect on Ryuutaro. It was really hard to stay angry, when Hayato did it, but right now his anger didn't vanish, just melt a bit.
Ryuutaro now moved over to Hayato rather quickly, sitting down in front of him.
"I'm aware of that", he commented and his voice was a bit softer than before, "Please stop this, you're already worn enough..."

He knew and understood why Hayato did all this... but it didn't make a thing about it better. Sometimes Ryuutaro missed the times when he was harder and only thinking and feeling for himself, not them both.
Maybe this little display of worry would calm Hayato down. Hopefully. Because Ryuutaro really didn't know what he wanted to say at all.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] all those fish)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-01 10:49 pm (UTC)(link)
"I.... I'm not.... I don't know, honestly", it came out weaker than he wanted it to.
Hayato was not the only one who felt pathetic in this moment. Ryuutaro wished he was stronger, he wished he'd seen the sky sometimes in those last days, he wished this was a world where he had something to hold on to, that wasn't Hayato, some sort of safety.
He loved Hayato, that was a thing he was more sure of than anything else, and even if it meant to leave everything he knew, he wasn't going to ever give him up. That much was sure.

The problem wasn't even really Hayato. He could've overlooked all this so much easier, if he had his own life. He wanted it, desperately. Just being an addition to Hayato's for the past days had weakened him so much.
deeplymeaningless: ([hurt] They think that I'm staying down)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 08:42 pm (UTC)(link)
If he hadn't felt downright terrible, Ryuutaro might have laughed at this offer. It was so typical and silly, that it was comforting again.
But he shook his head. He wasn't hungry and other people were in the kitchen... He didn't feel like seeing these people. Even if he knew he should adapt to them as they were going to be his company, he just couldn't. It wasn't them. It was they're existence in this place.

"Thanks, but I'm afraid, no, thanks", he replied silently, looking at Hayato and his open arms.
A part of him wanted to get away, but there was no place to go at. If he had been able to go outside he would've went there and returned when he felt more normal again, but this possibility just didn't exist.
So instead he leaned forward- still expressionless- until his head rested against Hayato's shoulders.

He hated himself for this obvious display of weakness, when he should be strong, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was tired, so very tired of this.
deeplymeaningless: ([hurt] Carry me home)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 09:43 pm (UTC)(link)
All tenseness seemed to fade from Ryuutaro's body, he leaned against Haytao, completely limb, as if any muscle in his body had disappeared. The boy laughed weakly.

"It's not you... you don't need to do anything about something that's not really your fault."

This was about him. His life. And the worst wave of insecurity he'd ever gone through in his life.
deeplymeaningless: ([anger] No more organsizations)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 10:40 pm (UTC)(link)
And Ryuutaro felt so much anger rise while Hayato talked. He knew Hayato only mean the best for him, but it just didn't feel right at all.
The fortune-teller sat up again and then suddenly he raised his hand, untangling it from Hayato's, slapping his boyfriend accross the face. It wasn't forceful, but there was a considerable amount of anger and hurt in it.

When Ryuutaro talked his voice was shaking with rage and fear and sadness.
"Don't give me this look! Don't give me this talk either, least of all this... this offer!"
Ryuutaro scoffed.
"Listen to me. Just listen to me for once! This is my decision. I'm not chained to you by an invisible chain, like you seem to believe. I don't have to stay with you until you give me permission to leave. I want to be with out and you should do your best to finally understand that it makes a difference!"
Ryuutaro paused for a moment, but really only a moment.

"And I'd be extremely thankful if you stopped treating me like I'm made of glass. I'm stronger than this! Than all of this!"

Ryuutaro heard his voice getting weaker again, somewhere through the sound of blood rushing in his ears, but he paid no attention.
It's been ages since he'd lost it like this, he really didn't know what he was saying anymore.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] [anger] Developing hatred)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)
And Ryuutaro's facial expression slowly returned to normal. What was he doing here? He was making it worse. Everytime he tried to make Hayato understand how he felt, let it be willingly or not, he made it worse. Just like Hayato made it worse for Ryuutaro everytime he tried to fix things.

"You want to know what you can do, right?", Ryuutaro sighed, "Step one would be accepting that I'm here and I'm staying, even if...", he trailed of and then restarted, "I'm staying. You could kindly stop trying to shove me off at every other ocassion, because I'm not going to change my mind. And even if I was, I am capable of speaking for myself."

Ryuutaro just leaned back against Hayato, feeling tired again.

"I am myself. I can think for myself. Fight for myself. You can stop making all of me about you. It's true, I'm here for you, because I love you" -and that meant more to him than beyblading even!- "But that doesn't mean you have to try and treat me like... like... like... something so easily breakable. I can take the weight of my own choices."
Even if he felt like he couldn't. But he just had to or he couldn't look at himself in the mirror again.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] Touché)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-03 08:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro twitched as Hayato said his own thoughts out loud just so easily. But then he figured that it wasn't all surprising that Hayato knew it... It was so obvious.
Ryuutaro didn't even want to hate this world. He knew that there was more to it than this hideout, this cruelty... but in his mind these few aspects he knew always just added up, the fact that this world almost killed Hayato again, and he couldn't do anything but hate. Hate in a very childish way, but still hate.

Ryuutaro listened on to Hayato voicing his feelings and what he heard didn't make him angry anymore. He'd do anything... Ryuutaro nuzzled his face in Hayato's chest, over time he'd become almost immune to finding dirt on Hayato disgusting- but his voice still came out almost clear.
"I know.... And I... I'm trying, too, you know? It's not enough for your world yet.... but someday it will be." "
Ryuutaro had been working to get on top of his world, he'd been working a lot for it back then, and he'd be able to do it, too, in this world. He'd get to the top. With something.
Taking shouldering all of my fate as well as yours is an impossible task."
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] Goodbye my friend)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-06 10:47 pm (UTC)(link)
A strong person... Ryuutaro knew this, but right now there were no words explaining how much he needed to hear somebody else say it.

"But that's it...", he sighed, "It doesn't make me any happier... not like this at least..."

Hayato pushing Ryuutaro away and pushing himself too far? It combined two things Ryuutaro hated. But even if Hayato tried another way... Right now Ryuutaro doubted he'd be able to do much. This was about him. Hayato could be there for him, but not solve the problem in itself.
deeplymeaningless: ([smile] Favourite FA ever)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-07 09:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro removed himself a bit from Hayato, smiling slightly.
"That's not necessary, but thank you a lot...", he reached up and let his fingers brush through Hayato's hair softly, "You go and do your report and then just go to sleep."

Ryuutaro didn't exactly know what he wanted to do, but somehow relaxing wasn't one of the options. He felt so far behind and that just needed to change. He couldn't have Hayato (and possible someone else, which would be worse) rescue him all the time.

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