andsuddenlydynamite | (no subject)

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au verse

(no subject)

When Hayato found himself back in his world, alone, he naturally had written off what happened at the manor as a dream... but at the same time... he couldn’t help but feel the pangs of heartbreak. He felt stupid for falling for something that had to have been a dream.... but the idea of having someone that loved him for just being him... it... it was too good to be true... but didn’t matter now. He had to push his feelings aside. His future self had failed the Tenth, now he was in the future with his boss to try to prevent this from happening. But it wasn’t easy, the Vongola were being hunted for their Vongola rings by the Millefiore family. While he didn't want to admit it... he was scared. He had already failed the Tenth once, he was in this strange foreign world where there was a price on his head, and to top it all off he had lost the boy who loved him.... naturally his mood had taken a SPECIAL turn south. He had already lashed out on Yamamoto a few times. Now him and the baseball idiot were screwed into an all knew lifetime because he lost his temper. One of the Millefiore generals had engaged them in a fight, Yamamoto was down, and now Hayato was being toyed with by Gamma. The man had him pinned on the ground, stepping on his hand until their was a sickening crack. Hayato screamed in agony but refused to say a word... he would gladly die for his boss’s sake. This was all his fault to begin with. If he hadn’t acted out... if his future self hadn’t failed his boss....

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Hayato peeled his head off the floor and looked up at Ryuutaro, almost pleadingly for a moment. But then he turned his gaze down to the floor, weighed down by his own shame. If he had been stronger he wouldn't have had to push Ryuutaro away like that... he wouldn't have had to hurt him. If he wasn't so damn pathetic all the damn time...

What's worse is that he didn't know what Ryuutaro wanted him to do. If he wanted him to go away... as much as he didn't want to right now he would, or if he wanted him to stay, he would also do so, even if it was just to be yelled at... but this uncertainty was crushing. He needed to know what Ryuutaro wanted, he needed some sort of direction to go.

"What do you want me to do?"

"I.... I'm not.... I don't know, honestly", it came out weaker than he wanted it to.
Hayato was not the only one who felt pathetic in this moment. Ryuutaro wished he was stronger, he wished he'd seen the sky sometimes in those last days, he wished this was a world where he had something to hold on to, that wasn't Hayato, some sort of safety.
He loved Hayato, that was a thing he was more sure of than anything else, and even if it meant to leave everything he knew, he wasn't going to ever give him up. That much was sure.

The problem wasn't even really Hayato. He could've overlooked all this so much easier, if he had his own life. He wanted it, desperately. Just being an addition to Hayato's for the past days had weakened him so much.

Hayato looked back up at Ryuutaro, surprised by the unsure tone. Surprised and heartbroken. He had hurt Ryuutaro so much more than he had thought, his whole world had. This place... it was hurting everyone, but at least Hayato and everyone else had seen this world at it's best, Ryuutaro never got that opportunity. Out of everyone here he had to be hurting the most.

Very slowly Hayato held his arms out to Ryuutaro, like he wanted to touch him, but was afraid the other boy might be too angry at him to want any sort of physical contact with him. But Hayato wanted to just hold him so badly, hold him and try to make all his pain go away. He bit his lip nervously, and decided to go onto his next nervous habit whenever he noticed there was something wrong with Ryuutaro: try to feed him.

"A-are you hungry? We could go get something in the kitchen..."

If he hadn't felt downright terrible, Ryuutaro might have laughed at this offer. It was so typical and silly, that it was comforting again.
But he shook his head. He wasn't hungry and other people were in the kitchen... He didn't feel like seeing these people. Even if he knew he should adapt to them as they were going to be his company, he just couldn't. It wasn't them. It was they're existence in this place.

"Thanks, but I'm afraid, no, thanks", he replied silently, looking at Hayato and his open arms.
A part of him wanted to get away, but there was no place to go at. If he had been able to go outside he would've went there and returned when he felt more normal again, but this possibility just didn't exist.
So instead he leaned forward- still expressionless- until his head rested against Hayato's shoulders.

He hated himself for this obvious display of weakness, when he should be strong, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was tired, so very tired of this.

Hayato just held the boy he loved tightly in his arms. He had never seen him like this. So... broken... no... he had seen this once before, when he had been locked away in that cell. Hayato nuzzled his face into Ryuutaro's hair, kissing it. He had failed as Ryuutaro's crutch... as his pillar. He failed the boy he loved who had always supported him when he needed it. Well... may it wasn't do late. There had to be SOMETHING he could do....

"Ryuutaro... what can I do to make this better? Please, tell me, I'll do anything... anything at all..."

All tenseness seemed to fade from Ryuutaro's body, he leaned against Haytao, completely limb, as if any muscle in his body had disappeared. The boy laughed weakly.

"It's not you... you don't need to do anything about something that's not really your fault."

This was about him. His life. And the worst wave of insecurity he'd ever gone through in his life.

This hurt. Ryuutaro was in so much pain. This was all his fault, he knew Ryuutaro would have been better off with someone else. Someone safer...

"It is my fault... I wasn't strong enough. I-If I had been stronger then I could have been with you." He holds him tighter. "But I did it... j-just a few more days here then we can go home... So please..."

And then there's a sniff as Hayato tries to fight back tears in his eyes. Seeing Ryuutaro so weak like this scared him. If he couldn't fall back on Ryuutaro for support... then... he had to do what he did before. He had to hold it all inside. No one could know he was scared, that he was weak... not even Ryuutaro. He at least owed it to Ryuutaro to try and support him, for all the times his boyfriend had supported him. In an instant he forces himself to look happy and cheery, forcing the tears away. This was how he was with everyone else, he would put up this barrier again, for Ryuutaro. He didn't need to deal with Hayato's stressors too.

"We attack in two more days. Then everything will go back to the way it's supposed to be, and we'll go home." He tilts Ryuutaro's face up to him, smiling at him hoping it would be enough to ma, "We've been through worse than this! We can do it!"

and he intertwines his fingers in Ryuutaro's, "We're stronger than this!" And he swallows a lump forming in his throat, but still fights to keep that damn smile on his face, "A-and if you really wanted..... I'm sure we could find a way to take you home.... if that would make you happier..."

And Ryuutaro felt so much anger rise while Hayato talked. He knew Hayato only mean the best for him, but it just didn't feel right at all.
The fortune-teller sat up again and then suddenly he raised his hand, untangling it from Hayato's, slapping his boyfriend accross the face. It wasn't forceful, but there was a considerable amount of anger and hurt in it.

When Ryuutaro talked his voice was shaking with rage and fear and sadness.
"Don't give me this look! Don't give me this talk either, least of all this... this offer!"
Ryuutaro scoffed.
"Listen to me. Just listen to me for once! This is my decision. I'm not chained to you by an invisible chain, like you seem to believe. I don't have to stay with you until you give me permission to leave. I want to be with out and you should do your best to finally understand that it makes a difference!"
Ryuutaro paused for a moment, but really only a moment.

"And I'd be extremely thankful if you stopped treating me like I'm made of glass. I'm stronger than this! Than all of this!"

Ryuutaro heard his voice getting weaker again, somewhere through the sound of blood rushing in his ears, but he paid no attention.
It's been ages since he'd lost it like this, he really didn't know what he was saying anymore.

And Hayato's hand instantly went to the side of his face and he scooted back away from Ryuutaro in shock.

He hit him.

Of course it didn't hurt, not in comparison to everything else he's gone through... but he could still feel the sting as his cheek started to heat up. Ryuutaro had never hurt him like this before... even if it was minor, Hayato was shocked. Shocked and scared. Had he really messed up that badly?

Well it shouldn't surprise him that much... all he had been doing since he got here was messing up for everyone. He had failed the Tenth in future and let him die, he had lost his temper and because of it he and Yamamoto got hurt, and it had taken him so long to try to figure out how to use the Systema C.A.I again, that he had hurt the boy he loved so much.He had this coming. He failed everyone... especially Ryuutaro. He had been trying his best though... he had honestly been giving it his everything... but it wasn't enough. It had never been enough...

He just looked up at Ryuutaro, wide-eyed and fearful. He opened his mouth to try and talk, but his words just got stuck in his throat, so his jaw just hung open as he sat there, paralyzed with the weight of everything that had just happened.

And Ryuutaro's facial expression slowly returned to normal. What was he doing here? He was making it worse. Everytime he tried to make Hayato understand how he felt, let it be willingly or not, he made it worse. Just like Hayato made it worse for Ryuutaro everytime he tried to fix things.

"You want to know what you can do, right?", Ryuutaro sighed, "Step one would be accepting that I'm here and I'm staying, even if...", he trailed of and then restarted, "I'm staying. You could kindly stop trying to shove me off at every other ocassion, because I'm not going to change my mind. And even if I was, I am capable of speaking for myself."

Ryuutaro just leaned back against Hayato, feeling tired again.

"I am myself. I can think for myself. Fight for myself. You can stop making all of me about you. It's true, I'm here for you, because I love you" -and that meant more to him than beyblading even!- "But that doesn't mean you have to try and treat me like... like... like... something so easily breakable. I can take the weight of my own choices."
Even if he felt like he couldn't. But he just had to or he couldn't look at himself in the mirror again.

Hayato tenses up for a brief moment when Ryuutaro lays on him, but recovers, meekly wrapping his arms around Ryuutaro again. He was still rather afraid of meriting himself another slap.

His head was spinning, just from everything. He was exhausted. Ryuutaro was sad, then mad, then he hit him... and now he was leaning on him again. Did he need him to hold him? He was finally trying to take in what Ryuutaro was saying again, just in time to catch the unfinished sentence, which he finishes for him, almost absentmindedly.

"Even if you hate my world..."

And Hayato held him closer... he was so confused. The way Ryuutaro was acting and what he was saying didn't match up at all. Right now he just felt so fragile... so dependent on Hayato to be strong. Then of course, those three words, Hayato once again tunes out the conversation so that he could just bask in them. Finally he feels able to verbalize his thoughts into words.

"I love you too Ryuutaro... I-I'm sorry... I just... I just... wh-when I see you like this... I just want to make it better, and you've been so miserable here... I'll do anything just to make you happy again!"

Even if it meant working himself to the point of exhaustion. Even if it meant becoming Ryuutaro's pillar when he was already at his wits end... and even if it meant letting go of the boy he loved so he could be happy. He would do it. Anything for that smile and that lighthearted skip in his chest when they were together...

Ryuutaro twitched as Hayato said his own thoughts out loud just so easily. But then he figured that it wasn't all surprising that Hayato knew it... It was so obvious.
Ryuutaro didn't even want to hate this world. He knew that there was more to it than this hideout, this cruelty... but in his mind these few aspects he knew always just added up, the fact that this world almost killed Hayato again, and he couldn't do anything but hate. Hate in a very childish way, but still hate.

Ryuutaro listened on to Hayato voicing his feelings and what he heard didn't make him angry anymore. He'd do anything... Ryuutaro nuzzled his face in Hayato's chest, over time he'd become almost immune to finding dirt on Hayato disgusting- but his voice still came out almost clear.
"I know.... And I... I'm trying, too, you know? It's not enough for your world yet.... but someday it will be." "
Ryuutaro had been working to get on top of his world, he'd been working a lot for it back then, and he'd be able to do it, too, in this world. He'd get to the top. With something.
Taking shouldering all of my fate as well as yours is an impossible task."

Hayato took a deep breath,to relax. It felt so nice after those past few days just to hold and cuddle his boyfriend. This was what he was fighting for, so he could keep loving his boyfriend like this. Hayato started running his fingers through Ryuutaro's hair as he spoke... god if they weren't in the middle of the hall and Hayato hadn't promised to report to the tenth he could fall asleep just like this...

"I don't doubt it." a sleepy smile spread across his face, "You're an amazingly strong person..."

Hayato nuzzles up to Ryuutaro as well.

"...You've been shouldering all my problems for all this time... why can't I try to take one yours? If it'll make you happier, I'll do it..."

A strong person... Ryuutaro knew this, but right now there were no words explaining how much he needed to hear somebody else say it.

"But that's it...", he sighed, "It doesn't make me any happier... not like this at least..."

Hayato pushing Ryuutaro away and pushing himself too far? It combined two things Ryuutaro hated. But even if Hayato tried another way... Right now Ryuutaro doubted he'd be able to do much. This was about him. Hayato could be there for him, but not solve the problem in itself.

Hayato continued gently rubbing Ryuutaro's back. He needed him right now, and there was no way Hayato wasn't going to be there for the boy he loved, now that he had rediscovered the Systema C.A.I. He finally felt like he could keep Ryuutaro safe in his arms again. He could relax, they both could.

"You wanna go back to Hibari's place then? You liked it there." And there's a big yawn, "I gust gotta report to the Tenth really quick first... he needs to know my progress with the Systema C.A.I."

If they were quiet, they could probably find a little corner where Hibari wouldn't notice them.... if he did, Gokudera would take the blame. He couldn't have Hibari 'biting' Ryuutaro to death after all. He didn't need that. Besides, Hayato was far more used to Hibari's abuse...

Ryuutaro removed himself a bit from Hayato, smiling slightly.
"That's not necessary, but thank you a lot...", he reached up and let his fingers brush through Hayato's hair softly, "You go and do your report and then just go to sleep."

Ryuutaro didn't exactly know what he wanted to do, but somehow relaxing wasn't one of the options. He felt so far behind and that just needed to change. He couldn't have Hayato (and possible someone else, which would be worse) rescue him all the time.

A smile. It wasn't big... but it was a smile nonetheless. Hayato's heart skipped a beat, and his chest suddenly felt a bit lighter, as though a weight had had been removed. He even smiled a little bit himself, his cheeks turning a rosy color and closed his eyes at the touch. Just like that he felt better. Ryuutaro didn't have to do much to make him finally come down from the heaping mess he had been before.

Hayato brought his hand up over Ryuutaro's and leaned forward to give him a kiss.

"Alright, I be in the lib-" ...oh. Right. Blew that up. Excuse him for a moment as he just gives the library a bit of an 'oops' look. "Uh... maybe the parlor would be better..."

A bit more high traffic, but not at small as his room, and it had a couch.

"Parlor then", Ryuutaro nodded. By now he'd at least gotten used to this place enough to feel alright with that as well.

"Then go now, you wouldn't want to keep your boss waiting right?"
And he even managed to not make it sound all that bitter. Again, he reminded himself that things would be working out.

He gave a little nod, obviously kind of oblivious to the bitter tone, "I'll be back soon. 'Love ya!"

And just one more peck on the cheek for his boyfriend before he starts to head off to the kitchen, waving... then turning to continue to the kitchen.

...then pausing to look back and wave to Ryuutaro one more time, since... maybe he wasn't paying attention the first time... or something. Well, a little separation anxiety never killed anyone...

Hayato's report is relatively brief, it didn't take him too long before he arrived with Uri, who looked rather content... and well fed thanks to the girls. Luckily that seemed to quell the cat's temper for now. Hayato walked in and looked around for Ryuutaro briefly before spotting him. A big smile spread across his face and he happily rushed over.

"Ryuutaro!"

Ryuutaro couldn't help, but smile a bit more at those waving gestures. This was exactly what he was staying for. To be with Hayato like this seemed to be the most important thing in the world and even if it had nothing to do with spinning tops, it was worth fighting for.

As Hayato left, Ryuutaro went to the parlor, looked around and then decided that he really could use some calm right now. He silently launched Pisces on the floor, creating the tiniest bit of hypnosion realm about him, just enough to take himself (and every possible insect in range of 3 metres) into his own private realm for a little while.
As he heard Hayato's voice, he briefly thought picking up Pisces and letting this end, but then he decided against it. By now Hayato should know the Distortion Drive well enough to be aware of what was happening when he stepped into it.
It was not like anything hurtful was in the vibes right now.
Ryuutaro smiled. "Is everything settled?"

And Hayato happily scooped Ryuutaro up in a big hug, lifting him off the ground in the process, a bit over the top for a greeting, even for him, but he had missed Ryuutaro just so much. He held the boy tightly for a moment before pulling back from the hug, just looking at Ryuutaro so adoringly. He nodded with a big grin at the question.

"It went really well! We're gonna attack in three days! Until then I'm off the hook!"

Which meant for the next three days he could be with Ryuutaro, trying to make this whole world suck less.

Edited 2011-11-08 22:43 (UTC)

Being lifted up was just an unnecessary reminder of how small Ryuutaro actually was, but it wasn't like he wouldn't already be constantly reminded of it, so that in the end he didn't even pay attention to it. Least of all now.

This was more like it... better than the annoyed look Hayato gave other people, better then the weird state of the last two days, better than seeing him fight and bleed.. just better.
And no matter how exaggerated it might be, right now there couldn't be much better to start to make up for the past days.

Ryuutaro smiled, pleased to see that it came a bit easier to him again. "That's good to hear. I'm glad."

Hayato laughed, and nodded before giving Ryuutaro a big kiss. He was just so elated. They could go home soon. It was almost over...

but then there's a big yawn... and his stomach let out a rather displeased gurgling noise. Ah, right... the lack of food and sleep for the last two days was finally catching up to him. He rubs his eye with the palm of his hand, the smile still contently sitting on his face. He didn't want to sleep yet! He finally had some time to be with his boyfriend! He wanted to kiss him, and hug him, and if they had a room to themselves ~~unleash the beast~~... he couldn't think of that yet. That would have to wait until they got home.

The question 'how many hours did you sleep the last two days' came to Ryuutaro's mind wanting to be spoken, but then he figured that no, he didn't want to know at all.
Ryuutaro raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit.

"Are you awake enough to at least get something to eat or do I have to fear that you'll fall asleep during it?"

If Hayato went on about not wanting to sleep now, it would be official that very deep down he was the same he had been as a kid.

And a slight blush spread across his cheeks as he awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm not that tired! I can stay up!" And he all-too-happily takes Ryuutaro's hand in his to head to the kitchen. "Let's get somethin' to eat!"

During the whole walk to the kitchen, Hayato just couldn't help but keep that big grin plastered on his face. He was just in such a great mood. He had hope now that he didn't have the previous few days. The hope of the Systema C.A.I. He had the power to protect those he cared about.

When they enter the kitchen, it's empty. The group seemed to have dispersed shortly after the little group meeting. Not that Hayato was complaining... since there was no one in the kitchen... Ryuutaro wouldn't feel pressured to leave... which meant he might cook something! He did love Ryuutaro's cooking, and it was especially appreciated now that Bianchi was wandering around trying to feed him...