andsuddenlydynamite | (no subject)

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au verse

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When Hayato found himself back in his world, alone, he naturally had written off what happened at the manor as a dream... but at the same time... he couldn’t help but feel the pangs of heartbreak. He felt stupid for falling for something that had to have been a dream.... but the idea of having someone that loved him for just being him... it... it was too good to be true... but didn’t matter now. He had to push his feelings aside. His future self had failed the Tenth, now he was in the future with his boss to try to prevent this from happening. But it wasn’t easy, the Vongola were being hunted for their Vongola rings by the Millefiore family. While he didn't want to admit it... he was scared. He had already failed the Tenth once, he was in this strange foreign world where there was a price on his head, and to top it all off he had lost the boy who loved him.... naturally his mood had taken a SPECIAL turn south. He had already lashed out on Yamamoto a few times. Now him and the baseball idiot were screwed into an all knew lifetime because he lost his temper. One of the Millefiore generals had engaged them in a fight, Yamamoto was down, and now Hayato was being toyed with by Gamma. The man had him pinned on the ground, stepping on his hand until their was a sickening crack. Hayato screamed in agony but refused to say a word... he would gladly die for his boss’s sake. This was all his fault to begin with. If he hadn’t acted out... if his future self hadn’t failed his boss....

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It took a good long moment before Hayato very reluctantly started pulling away. He didn't want to pull away from the boy he loved so, but he did. Of course he kept his arm secure around Ryuutaro's waist.

"Do you want to go Hibari's place again... if we stay outta his way I'm sure we could stay."

Ryuutaro nodded.
"That sounds fine... It's a calming place."

Staying out of Hibari's way was something he'd intend to do anyway, not because he particulary respected him, but simply because he was one of those people.

Hayato smiles and starts walking towards Hibari's section of the base, on the way he grabbed a blanket and pillow from his room. When they got there Hayato cautiously peaked in... Hibari was working but didn't seem to be paying attention so VERY cautiously he snuck by and found a little private corner FAR away from Hibari. He hoped the breeze from the vents in the high ceiling above would help ease Ryuutaro a bit.

He set up a little spot for them and took a seat, setting up the blanket and pillows. He doesn't make his usual motions to cuddle with Ryuutaro. In the past week, he felt Ryuutaro had rejected him twice. Once when Ryuutaro had told him to more or less get off... and then... the first time Ryuutaro struck him.

He knew he hadn't intended for it to hurt, Ryuutaro was just having a hard time, and he just kept messing up. He knew it was his fault but...

it had hurt... and he was afraid he would mess up again. In fact he knew he would. He couldn't take any more of that kind of pain. Sure, things had slowly started to recover. He had the systema C.A.I., so he was confident with his strength, and they had a lot of fun cooking together... he knew he loved him, and that the feeling was mutual. Hayato had come to terms with that the first time they made love. He knew that wouldn't change, and at the moment he just felt so vulnerable.

Hayato brought his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, resting his head on his knees so he could look at Ryuutaro. He pushed all his feelings aside and just smiled at his boyfriend, trying to stay up a bit longer.

"You goin' to sleep too? Or are you goin' to stay up longer?"

Ryuutaro tilted his head in slight confusion. He wasn't used to having space between them anymore. Especially with the position Hayato had brought himself in, this kind of self-hug.

"I'm not sure", he replied with a small smile of his own, "I don't feel like sleeping, but I probably should get some rest as well."

He looked Hayato's position over again. It was not like it felt wrong to sit without closeness... Ryuutaro really liked being close to Hayato, but he enjoyed some private space, too. But the way Hayato looked, the way this happened was more than just wrong.

"Is there a particular reason, you're over there?"

Hayato just looked confused. He hadn't really thought about the position he chose to sit in, he wasn't aware it was revealing more than he wanted it to.

"No reason."

He leaned back and stretched for a moment, then went about setting up his spot to sleep. He wanted to shift away from the topic of why he was keeping his distance. Ryuutaro knew him well enough to sniff out the issue if he dwelled on it.

"Well, I'm wiped. I'm just gonna crash alright?"

And he just flopped down, head on the pillow and shifts so that he's on his side, of course leaving room for Ryuutaro if and when he chose to sleep, but oddly enough Hayato situates himself so that he's facing away from Ryuutaro. He wasn't sure he'd be able to fall asleep right away... and... he didn't feel well enough to keep talking. He wanted to keep himself guarded. That meant he would be safe for a while. He just couldn't afford to get hurt again. Not when such an important battle was coming up. He needed to be able to focus.

Edited 2011-11-23 03:39 (UTC)

"Rest well...", Ryuutaro replied silently, watching Hayato's back for a moment.
He didn't want to comment on it again. Hayato could have his space as well after all and sometimes Ryuutaro was just too proud to always come after him.
He still couldn't help feeling unwell.
He sighed and leaned back a bit. He didn't want to sleep just yet, there was so much running through his head.

They'd be fine. Everything would be alright. And yet he just felt a little bit like crying.

And Hayato lays there silently for a moment, despite nearly falling asleep on his feet just a little while ago... sleep didn't come to him now.

He could feel the gap between them... this would be the first time they hadn't slept together since Ryuutaro arrived in his world. Even though Ryuutaro was right next to him, he still felt so far away. It was like he was alone again.

Were they really going to let this rift grow between them?

But Ryuutaro hadn't made a move to stop it, so this must have been alright with him. He must just need time away from him. Hayato knew better than anyone just how much of a mess he was. He was probably bringing Ryuutaro down, which isn't what he needed now. He had lost everything already, he didn't need Hayato's emotional baggage too.

So this was good. It was what Ryuutaro wanted too, so he should stop second guessing himself.

...but then why did everything still hurt so much?

He squirmed a bit, and wrapped his arms around his stomach. The one time he just wanted sleep to take him so badly, it just wouldn't come.

Ryuutaro noticed that movement and his pride started melting away again. In this world Hayato was all he had and he just didn't seem alright right now.
This wasn't alright.

He softly placed his hand on Hayato's shoulder, leaning over him a bit.
"What's wrong...?"

He wanted nothing more than just lay down next to Hayato already, but he stopped himself. There had to be reasons for all of this. He wanted to hear them.

Hayato reflexively jumped and tensed at Ryuutaro's touch, expecting to get hit again, but he quickly relaxed when he realized the touch was meant to be comforting. He bit the inside of cheek a bit before turning his head to look up at Ryuutaro. His cheeks were flushed with embarrassment.

"I just can't sleep... that's all..."

It was only the tip of the iceberg of what was wrong. But hhe was afraid to unload his burdens on Ryuutaro. He didn't want the boy he loved to push him away any more.

Ryuutaro raised an eyebrow.
"I have to humbly remark, that no, I don't think that's all", he smiled a bit. This time his speech pattern wasn't intend to bring distance like it usually did. Instead it was more pronounced like an inside joke and his smile was honest, maybe a bit sceptical.

When Hayato was wrapping his arms around his stomach, there was no way he was alright.

Hayato Reached up to stroke Ryuutaro's cheek, though he hesitated for a moment. Just a moment. Ryuutaro wouldn't push him away for this.

"It's nothing you need to worry about."

He was dead-set on keeping his burden to himself. Ryuutaro had enough going on as it was, he didn't need someone leaning on him for support. He forces a little smile on his face and pushes himself up to give Ryuutaro a peck on the cheek.

"I love you."

It was important for him to say. Ryuutaro knew something was wrong, and he would know that he wasn't telling him... so just letting him know that he loved him... it felt right. Maybe as an apology...

Well, that was some amazing change of topic here. Ryuutaro understood though. A part of him wanted to go on and on asking, but then he wondered what this would be like if their roles were reversed. He wouldn't like to be pushed for things, so he shouldn't do it to Hayato. Hayato was really the only person to ever get him to be this considerate.

Instead he smiled a small and very soft smile. "I love you, too."
It was good to exchange these words, but it still didn't feel quite alright. Ryuutaro resisted biting his lip and instead leaned down further until his hair was almost - or maybe - touching Hayato's face.
"But I wouldn't just agree with your first statement. I decide what I need to worry about. But if you don't want to tell me, that's fine..."
Or something similar to fine. Acceptable, maybe.

His smile became a bit more genuine when Ryuutaro returned the statement of affection. He had... needed to hear that too. Then, he got so close. It was so nice. A little blush spread across his cheeks and he could feel his heart flutter. It was strange, Hayato had thought he had gotten over these awkward little bursts of shyness. Maybe he was just excited to be so close again, regardless he got control of it again quickly. He kept his smile on and ran his hand up through his lover's hair with a smile.

"You've been goin' through he'll enough as it is. It's just me bein' stupid. I-I'll get over it."

This was the first time it was his job to assure Ryuutaro everything would be okay. He loved his boyfriend, and if they needed to switch roles to do that, then he was fine with that. He needed to be both the physically strong and emotionly strong one this time... or pretend to be.

The only thing Hayato was being stupid with was saying this, it was something Ryuutaro was sure on.
"It's not hell, it's never been hell... Just unpleasant, that's all", Ryuutaro smirked a very small bit.

Maybe more than that, but it was true, he's had worse. The cell. Reiji. ... Hayato's death. That. That had been hell.

Hayato sat up, and bit his lip. Then he looked over at Ryuutaro... then down to his lap. He wanted to scoot closer to him and cuddle up close... but... he wanted to respect the space Ryuutaro seemed to want for himself. He didn't want to get pushed away again.

"I-I... it's just..."

He fidgeted more... it was obvious that Ryuutaro wanted to know... and he wanted to tell him... but he was just too afraid. The blush returns to his face and he started to bit the inside of his cheek, looking off to the side.

"It's nothing. It's really nothing."

And that was when Ryuutaro finally gave in and just reached out to pull Hayato close. Respecting Hayato's space was one thing, but this had turned into another. He could see how they were just overthinking again.

They'd be rich if they'd gotten paid for everytime they told each other it was nothing.

"Then why don't you just sleep...?", he whispered against Hayato's chest, sounding a tiny bit teasing even.

Hayato paused for a moment in surprise... he had thought... Ryuutaro didn't wants him close. This was what he was afraid of, yet so desperately wanted.

"Th-this is okay right? It's alright if I-I hold you?"

He started to tremble but still placed his hands gently on Ryuutaro's back, resisting the urge to embrace him until Ryuutaro told him it was okay.

Ryuutaro blinked in complete confusion.

"Why wouldn't it be?", he asked, genuinely puzzled.
They'd been with each other this long, Hayato should know that he could always touch him, that it was the privilege reserved for him.
Ryuutaro leaned against Hayato some more, proving it. This was okay. It took them a long way to get here, but it was alright. And very calming.

And instantly Hayato flung his arms around Ryuutaro, holding him tightly, just pressing there bodies together. He had wanted this so badly... just... so badly.

"I thought... I thought you didn't want me so close..."

He just... couldn't forget Ryuutaro telling him to let go in the days before he locked himself in the library. It had hurt... but he felt as though it was his fault. He had been trying, and he had ke[t rying, but things just kept getting worse and worse.

"I'm sorry... I'm really sorry Ryuutaro... for everything. I've been trying my best... I really have... but I just... I just keep messing everything up for everyone. I've been a terrible right-hand to the Tenth, I've been a burden on the Vongola, and I've been a horrible boyfriend..."

And there it was... this silent voice, those apologies. Something Ryuutaro had both - feared and waited for.

He leaned against Hayato and closed his eyes, letting him talk. Hayato had been right in a way. He was being stupid, just so stupid.
Ryuutaro couldn't deny how much it had hurt him as Hayato locked himself in, but still... Still. He knew it had been necessary. As angry as he was on a personal level, he could accept it.

"No...", he said as Hayato finished, silently but still firmly, "You haven't. It hurt... but that's alright in this situation" - and only in this situation. If less was at risk he wouldn't be this forgiving- "And there is no reason for me to not want you close..."

Ryuutaro reached up and brushed his hand through Hayato's hair.

"You can be as close as you want, I won't mind..."

And even if Hayato filled up all of his space, even if he could see, feel, hear and breath nothing else, that would be fine. Because that was where he belonged, where both of them belonged. In whatever world, whatever time.
The thought made the pain a lot easier to stand.

Hayato just shook his head. "No, it's not alright. It's never alright to hurt you like that... if I had just been a stronger person... or smarter... then I wouldn't have had to do that. I'm so sorry!"

He bends down a bit so he can just bury his face into the crook of Ryuutaro's neck.

"You always support me... no matter what's wrong, or how messed up I am, or what I did... you always come back for me and you're always there when I need you. I should be able to do the same for you..."

Hayato pulled himself back just a bit to look at Ryuutaro, his face clearly still worried.

"But... back in the library... you said..." He squirms a little bit, and loosens his grip as if he's still bound by the request Ryuutaro had made those few days ago, "Y-you didn't want me... you didn't want me to..."

Edited 2011-11-26 22:12 (UTC)

And the worst was Ryuutaro didn't even know why. From the beginning on, he didn't know why he kept coming back for Hayato again and again and again. But he would do it. Whenever Hayato'd turn away, he'd call him back.
If anything, he'd thought that anybody close to him would have to fight for him. But here he was, being the one to do all these things. Even willing to accept hurt from Hayato.
Ryuutaro couldn't decide if it was weak or strong. To his self from before Battle Bladers, before meeting Hayato, it would've been weak. But now he wasn't sure anymore. Not giving up and holding on like this was not weak at all.

"I needed air back then...."

Ryuutaro looked up into Hayato's eyes.

"If you want to do all those things for me, then do them. When I turn away, pull me back. When I'm far away, come running for me. "
He couldn't believe he just said that, practically told Hayato to keep him chained to him.
But why should he be the only one to always come chasing?

He stared there wide-eyed for a moment. He knew what Ryuutaro had essentially done. Hayato had always done his best to give Ryuutaro the freedom he needed to be happy.

And now... it was okay to bind himself to him? Ryuutaro... loved him that much?

Hayato grabbed Ryuutaro's face and forcefully pressed his lips against his lovers, in a passionate kiss. Words could not express how he felt. Heck, he wasn't even sure this kiss could. If Hibari wasn't twenty feet away, he would have made love to Ryuutaro right here. After a few moments of the kiss, he pulls back, his eyes welled up, and a smile on his face.

"I'll run after you as long as you let me chase you... and I promise, I-I'll keep giving you everything I have..."

Because in his own way, he was giving everything he could to their relationship. Everyday he did his best to fight the long ingrained fears of abandonment. He constantly tried to keep his sour tempter in check around Ryuutaro... and... he genuinely cared about someone besides himself. He had turned against everything he had learned growing up when he made Ryuutaro such an important part of his life, and it made him vulnerable.

Ryuutaro had the power to destroy him in just a few words... and this terrified Hayato more than anything else, but at the same time he was in love enough to fight that fear every day.

Ryuutaro knew Hayato had understood and it was terrifying for a moment. Right now he was so fragile, offering Hayato this much... It didn't make any real difference though. He had just spoken something that he'd known for some time already.
It still scared him.
But then that kiss came to reassure him. Ryuutaro's eyes fluttered closed in the blink of an eye and he returned the kiss. It had been what he always wanted though, hadn't it? For Hayato to fight for him... If he wanted that, he had to allow it. And it felt alright.
He could feel how Hayato felt about this, the way he was capturing his lips...

When the kiss was over, Ryuutaro took his time to complete the moment of opening his eyes, savouring the feeling of having those words spoken and understood. It was odd how they were just so scared of each other and yet could be together like this. Now more than ever Ryuutaro was sure that it was a good choice to stay here. What he had now, what they shared now, it was nothing he could ever hope to find anywhere else.

"I will be taking good care of it."
He smiled softly and leaned up against, placing a short kiss on Hayato's lips.
"And I expect the same of you..."
Because in his way, he was doing the same... Giving Hayato his everything, all there was to give.

Hayato smiled and closed his eyes to enjoy Ryuutaro's quick little kiss. He felt as though he could finally relax now. All the drama since the day he got here after his stay in the manor.

"Always."

And he pulls Ryuutaro onto his lap, using his boyfriend's new height so he can lean on his shoulder and close his eyes for a few moments. He just felt so calm... so calm he could feel himself drifting off to sleep. However, instead of dozing off quietly, in an attempt to stay awake, he begins to talk again. Though by his tone it's clear he's only half aware of what he's saying. His brain-to-mouth filter just vanishing.

"Mmmm.... hey Tesoro, can I ask you somethin'? I mean I know it's dumb, 'cause we can't... but I want to ask you anyway, because I love you, and I want to be with you, so it's somethin' I think I should ask and... well..."

He pulls back and looks up at Ryuutaro, a dopey, sleepy but still honest and genuine smile on his face.

"Ryuutaro... would you marry me?"

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emo tl;dr everywhere. IDEK where this even came from.

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... this chunk of this thread totes made me B'awww