andsuddenlydynamite: ([injured] DON'T TOUCH THE FACE!)
andsuddenlydynamite ([personal profile] andsuddenlydynamite) wrote2010-07-28 10:55 pm
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When Hayato found himself back in his world, alone, he naturally had written off what happened at the manor as a dream... but at the same time... he couldn’t help but feel the pangs of heartbreak. He felt stupid for falling for something that had to have been a dream.... but the idea of having someone that loved him for just being him... it... it was too good to be true... but didn’t matter now. He had to push his feelings aside. His future self had failed the Tenth, now he was in the future with his boss to try to prevent this from happening. But it wasn’t easy, the Vongola were being hunted for their Vongola rings by the Millefiore family. While he didn't want to admit it... he was scared. He had already failed the Tenth once, he was in this strange foreign world where there was a price on his head, and to top it all off he had lost the boy who loved him.... naturally his mood had taken a SPECIAL turn south. He had already lashed out on Yamamoto a few times. Now him and the baseball idiot were screwed into an all knew lifetime because he lost his temper. One of the Millefiore generals had engaged them in a fight, Yamamoto was down, and now Hayato was being toyed with by Gamma. The man had him pinned on the ground, stepping on his hand until their was a sickening crack. Hayato screamed in agony but refused to say a word... he would gladly die for his boss’s sake. This was all his fault to begin with. If he hadn’t acted out... if his future self hadn’t failed his boss....
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] all those fish)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-01 10:49 pm (UTC)(link)
"I.... I'm not.... I don't know, honestly", it came out weaker than he wanted it to.
Hayato was not the only one who felt pathetic in this moment. Ryuutaro wished he was stronger, he wished he'd seen the sky sometimes in those last days, he wished this was a world where he had something to hold on to, that wasn't Hayato, some sort of safety.
He loved Hayato, that was a thing he was more sure of than anything else, and even if it meant to leave everything he knew, he wasn't going to ever give him up. That much was sure.

The problem wasn't even really Hayato. He could've overlooked all this so much easier, if he had his own life. He wanted it, desperately. Just being an addition to Hayato's for the past days had weakened him so much.
deeplymeaningless: ([hurt] They think that I'm staying down)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 08:42 pm (UTC)(link)
If he hadn't felt downright terrible, Ryuutaro might have laughed at this offer. It was so typical and silly, that it was comforting again.
But he shook his head. He wasn't hungry and other people were in the kitchen... He didn't feel like seeing these people. Even if he knew he should adapt to them as they were going to be his company, he just couldn't. It wasn't them. It was they're existence in this place.

"Thanks, but I'm afraid, no, thanks", he replied silently, looking at Hayato and his open arms.
A part of him wanted to get away, but there was no place to go at. If he had been able to go outside he would've went there and returned when he felt more normal again, but this possibility just didn't exist.
So instead he leaned forward- still expressionless- until his head rested against Hayato's shoulders.

He hated himself for this obvious display of weakness, when he should be strong, but there was nothing he could do about it. He was tired, so very tired of this.
deeplymeaningless: ([hurt] Carry me home)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 09:43 pm (UTC)(link)
All tenseness seemed to fade from Ryuutaro's body, he leaned against Haytao, completely limb, as if any muscle in his body had disappeared. The boy laughed weakly.

"It's not you... you don't need to do anything about something that's not really your fault."

This was about him. His life. And the worst wave of insecurity he'd ever gone through in his life.
deeplymeaningless: ([anger] No more organsizations)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 10:40 pm (UTC)(link)
And Ryuutaro felt so much anger rise while Hayato talked. He knew Hayato only mean the best for him, but it just didn't feel right at all.
The fortune-teller sat up again and then suddenly he raised his hand, untangling it from Hayato's, slapping his boyfriend accross the face. It wasn't forceful, but there was a considerable amount of anger and hurt in it.

When Ryuutaro talked his voice was shaking with rage and fear and sadness.
"Don't give me this look! Don't give me this talk either, least of all this... this offer!"
Ryuutaro scoffed.
"Listen to me. Just listen to me for once! This is my decision. I'm not chained to you by an invisible chain, like you seem to believe. I don't have to stay with you until you give me permission to leave. I want to be with out and you should do your best to finally understand that it makes a difference!"
Ryuutaro paused for a moment, but really only a moment.

"And I'd be extremely thankful if you stopped treating me like I'm made of glass. I'm stronger than this! Than all of this!"

Ryuutaro heard his voice getting weaker again, somewhere through the sound of blood rushing in his ears, but he paid no attention.
It's been ages since he'd lost it like this, he really didn't know what he was saying anymore.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] [anger] Developing hatred)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-02 11:13 pm (UTC)(link)
And Ryuutaro's facial expression slowly returned to normal. What was he doing here? He was making it worse. Everytime he tried to make Hayato understand how he felt, let it be willingly or not, he made it worse. Just like Hayato made it worse for Ryuutaro everytime he tried to fix things.

"You want to know what you can do, right?", Ryuutaro sighed, "Step one would be accepting that I'm here and I'm staying, even if...", he trailed of and then restarted, "I'm staying. You could kindly stop trying to shove me off at every other ocassion, because I'm not going to change my mind. And even if I was, I am capable of speaking for myself."

Ryuutaro just leaned back against Hayato, feeling tired again.

"I am myself. I can think for myself. Fight for myself. You can stop making all of me about you. It's true, I'm here for you, because I love you" -and that meant more to him than beyblading even!- "But that doesn't mean you have to try and treat me like... like... like... something so easily breakable. I can take the weight of my own choices."
Even if he felt like he couldn't. But he just had to or he couldn't look at himself in the mirror again.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] Touché)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-03 08:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro twitched as Hayato said his own thoughts out loud just so easily. But then he figured that it wasn't all surprising that Hayato knew it... It was so obvious.
Ryuutaro didn't even want to hate this world. He knew that there was more to it than this hideout, this cruelty... but in his mind these few aspects he knew always just added up, the fact that this world almost killed Hayato again, and he couldn't do anything but hate. Hate in a very childish way, but still hate.

Ryuutaro listened on to Hayato voicing his feelings and what he heard didn't make him angry anymore. He'd do anything... Ryuutaro nuzzled his face in Hayato's chest, over time he'd become almost immune to finding dirt on Hayato disgusting- but his voice still came out almost clear.
"I know.... And I... I'm trying, too, you know? It's not enough for your world yet.... but someday it will be." "
Ryuutaro had been working to get on top of his world, he'd been working a lot for it back then, and he'd be able to do it, too, in this world. He'd get to the top. With something.
Taking shouldering all of my fate as well as yours is an impossible task."
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] Goodbye my friend)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-06 10:47 pm (UTC)(link)
A strong person... Ryuutaro knew this, but right now there were no words explaining how much he needed to hear somebody else say it.

"But that's it...", he sighed, "It doesn't make me any happier... not like this at least..."

Hayato pushing Ryuutaro away and pushing himself too far? It combined two things Ryuutaro hated. But even if Hayato tried another way... Right now Ryuutaro doubted he'd be able to do much. This was about him. Hayato could be there for him, but not solve the problem in itself.
deeplymeaningless: ([smile] Favourite FA ever)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-07 09:00 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro removed himself a bit from Hayato, smiling slightly.
"That's not necessary, but thank you a lot...", he reached up and let his fingers brush through Hayato's hair softly, "You go and do your report and then just go to sleep."

Ryuutaro didn't exactly know what he wanted to do, but somehow relaxing wasn't one of the options. He felt so far behind and that just needed to change. He couldn't have Hayato (and possible someone else, which would be worse) rescue him all the time.
deeplymeaningless: (Evil-Plan-Grin)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-08 09:07 pm (UTC)(link)
"Parlor then", Ryuutaro nodded. By now he'd at least gotten used to this place enough to feel alright with that as well.

"Then go now, you wouldn't want to keep your boss waiting right?"
And he even managed to not make it sound all that bitter. Again, he reminded himself that things would be working out.
deeplymeaningless: ([serious] Goodbye my friend)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-08 09:49 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro couldn't help, but smile a bit more at those waving gestures. This was exactly what he was staying for. To be with Hayato like this seemed to be the most important thing in the world and even if it had nothing to do with spinning tops, it was worth fighting for.

As Hayato left, Ryuutaro went to the parlor, looked around and then decided that he really could use some calm right now. He silently launched Pisces on the floor, creating the tiniest bit of hypnosion realm about him, just enough to take himself (and every possible insect in range of 3 metres) into his own private realm for a little while.
As he heard Hayato's voice, he briefly thought picking up Pisces and letting this end, but then he decided against it. By now Hayato should know the Distortion Drive well enough to be aware of what was happening when he stepped into it.
It was not like anything hurtful was in the vibes right now.
Ryuutaro smiled. "Is everything settled?"
deeplymeaningless: ([smile] He wants this. Badly.)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-09 07:56 pm (UTC)(link)
Being lifted up was just an unnecessary reminder of how small Ryuutaro actually was, but it wasn't like he wouldn't already be constantly reminded of it, so that in the end he didn't even pay attention to it. Least of all now.

This was more like it... better than the annoyed look Hayato gave other people, better then the weird state of the last two days, better than seeing him fight and bleed.. just better.
And no matter how exaggerated it might be, right now there couldn't be much better to start to make up for the past days.

Ryuutaro smiled, pleased to see that it came a bit easier to him again. "That's good to hear. I'm glad."
deeplymeaningless: ([smirk] You cannot win against my magic)

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-09 09:02 pm (UTC)(link)
The question 'how many hours did you sleep the last two days' came to Ryuutaro's mind wanting to be spoken, but then he figured that no, he didn't want to know at all.
Ryuutaro raised an eyebrow and smirked a bit.

"Are you awake enough to at least get something to eat or do I have to fear that you'll fall asleep during it?"

If Hayato went on about not wanting to sleep now, it would be official that very deep down he was the same he had been as a kid.
deeplymeaningless: ([smile] Happy to face you (dating-face))

[personal profile] deeplymeaningless 2011-11-10 10:24 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryuutaro was really pleased to see the kitchen empty. He didn't feel like dealing with the rest of the Vongola, not now, not later. It wasn't that he really disliked them, he just couldn't bring him himself to like these people just one bit yet.

Ryuutaro sighed contently, turning to Hayato.
"What do you even want to eat?"

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