andsuddenlydynamite | (no subject)

Ryuutaro didn't know how to act for once. He could feel how he had just hurt Hayato, he could feel how much things weren't alright for neither of them. They hadn't felt that apart for ages now.
He could see how fake that smile was. Ryuutaro shook his head.

"No. I'm staying here with you." In this library, this world, whatever this should be seen as. For a moment Ryuutaro let those words just float through the room, before going on like usually.

"It's not like I'd need entertainment all the time, really. I like when it's quiet."
And he was most definitely not going to leave if he wasn't forced to.

Gokudera's eyes dropped to the ground again, like there was just something pulling them there. Like he felt guilty for simply keeping Ryuutaro in his presence.

"If that's what you want."

And Gokudera picked up the backpack and moved to the table, taking out the sixteen boxes, and some paper he sat down to work. Or try to. He didn't have his glasses... not that he could really focus anyway. He would just try to go through the motions of working so that he could say he was doing something. He is forced to squint at the paper as he starts to write, and he looks over the boxes. He runs his hands through his hair and sighs in frustration at everything. He tried to think, to remember, but there was the fog over his memories that prevented him from remembering, and then there was that nagging ache in his chest, and the nauseating knot in his stomach. He just couldn't focus at all.

Ryuutaro didn't even go to the effort to try starting to read again. It seemed pointless. He wouldn't be able to focus on anything theoretical at this point. There was just so much distance between them... Distance. Ryuutaro once wouldn't have minded. Once. How long was that ago now?
The boy leaned against a bookshelf, not knowing what to do now. Slowly he took out Pisces, letting his fingers run over the familiar shape.
He briefly wondered if it would give him an escape to just get inside his Distortion Drive and enjoy the familiar nothingness, but it was silly. He couldn't run and hide.

For around half-an-hour he said nothing, just sat there listening to pointless thoughts chase each other through his head. When he decided to speak it was without thinking things through further first.
"I'm not the same person anymore who you met back then in the space ship... Isn't it only natural that I won't be the same as now anymore in the future?"

"I know... but..."

He sighed. There was no way Ryuutaro would understand how he was thinking without a proper explanation about the teen's reasoning behind it... which meant he had to tell Ryuutaro about his time on the streets. A topic he had so pointedly try to avoid for the duration of their relationship.

The teen looked up at his boyfriend and gestured for him to come over and have a seat at the table.

But what?
Ryuutaro got to his feed immediately, walking over as he was wordlessly told to.
So what now? What exactly would he hear or not hear? The boy tilted his head, wordlessly asking for the reason.
Anything to make them actually understand each other again would be most appreciated right now.

He took a deep breath. He wouldn't go into detail about everything that happened unless Ryuutaro asked.

"When I first ran away... for about the first week or so I hoped my father would come find me, and tell me everything I heard was wrong... even if I knew he was lying, I just wanted him to come back. After that week, I thought that maybe he just couldn't find me, so I tried harder to be more noticeable. Started stealing food from markets, got caught, picked fights. After a few months I finally realized that he wasn't gonna come. Then something sorta changes, I started taking more serious jobs, stealing motorcycles, cars, breaking into safes. Pulling hits, and... I saw a lot of shit... and I did a lot of shit, real bad shit. After that... I was just... different. It's hard to explain... but I just wasn't the same after that. I didn't care if what I did was wrong... nothing fazed me at all... I was... just numb to everything... I just got so used to everything."

He looks up at Ryuutaro, "If the same thing happens to you... and you change like I did... if your smile changes... I'll never be able to live with myself. You don't smile the same after you've become so desensitized to everything. This world isn't always so bad Ryuutaro... just give me a little time to fix it."

He hoped Ryuutaro would understand what he was talking about. He had seen him as child... he knew he was just so vastly different from that little boy with with big bright smile.

Edited 2011-10-05 16:21 (UTC)

Ryuutaro listened silently and even after Hayato had ended he didn't say anything for a while.
Even if had already known some specific scenes from Hayato's past, this was a part he'd mostly been unknowing off until now.
Even if he'd thought about this period of Hayato's life it was just different to hear him talk about it.

"It's not that I think your world is bad...", even if yes, he did hate it, from the moment he arrived. It was more that Ryuutaro had realized his world was horribly... naive. It hurt to think like that, especially with all the pain he'd gone through in the place, all the pain everyone had felt...

And Ryuutaro did understand. He remembered this moment when he arrived all-too-well. When he would've let Yamamoto die without any second thoughts, if there had been any assurance Gamma would start on him.
Not that he ever had been a nice, caring person to start with, but at this point he had been scaring himself.

Hayato knew Ryuutaro hated this world, and he knew Ryuutaro had changed in his time at the manor. They both had, though it was ironic, Ryuutaro had become a harder person while Hayato had grown softer. The difference was, seeing such horrific things still made Ryuutaro cringe and look away and he would be bothered, while Hayato could just move on an tolerate it. Ryuutaro was still delicate, and Hayato would do anything to keep him like that.

And for now that meant reminding him that things wouldn't be like this forever. Maybe change the subject. He hated dwelling on that part of his life. Now, they had something fun to look forward to together. They were going to live together, and be together. Hayato reaches for Ryuutaro's hand, and places both his hands on top of it, though rather awkwardly due to the brace.

"Hey, when we get back home... I should... I should save up for a piano! I know how much you like it when I play... th-that'll be nice right?"

Ryuutaro blinked in surprise. That was unexpected. He understood that Hayato wanted to escape the awkwardness and show him what there was to hold on for, but to go for something major like a piano of all things? It caught him by surprise.
For a short moment he was unable to speak and then he smiled a faint little smile.

"It will. Of course, it will. There is hardly any need to stutter about such a thing, is there?"
He paused. It was difficult. He didn't just want to leave the original subject like that, but he was sure continuing would only end painfulness. Maybe he should just accept Hayato's escape.
"And even without that... Starting over new like this is a fascinating thought. How many people can say of themselves to have just changed worlds like this?"

A smile. It was small, but it was a smile. A smile Hayato returns, as he just seem to desperately grasp at any sort of positive feedback from Ryuutaro. He needed it. Anything he could get. He wanted to reach forward to take Ryuutaro's hands in his own, to borrow as much strength from the boy as he could.

...but then Ryuutaro would feel how his hands were trembling. He would know how afraid all of this made him. He couldn't show his fear and weakness. Ryuutaro needed him to be strong. The Vongola needed him to be strong.

"Yeah! When we get home, I can show you around Namimori, and we can go out for dinner! I'll have to go to school again... but I skip most of the time anyway, so I won't be gone too much! A-and my apartment, I'll have to fix it up some, but it's not so bad! It will be fun! And we'll be okay!"

So please just smile for him just a bit more... he'll do whatever it takes...

Ryuutaro nodded again, playing around with his fan a bit.
"I never quite understood how school is mandatory in other worlds...", he commented on the first part, because it had been something that had been confusing him from the very start at the Manor. Wherever he got people were surprised about him having a profession and actually working, while to him it was perfectly normal.
And then it hit him.
"Wait... I hope you and your world realize though, that I won't be going there at all?"
The thought alone seemed just plain ridiculous to him. He was able to read and write and educated in his chosen way of working, what more did he need?

The good thing though was that they were drifting back into normal conversations, away from that distance, that gap between them.

"I don't get it either... I mean I was outta school for four years and I still know more than all the teachers, so I just skip a lot."

He laughed a little, it wasn't his usual hearty laugh, but it was a laugh.

"I figured. It's not like you're really registered or anything in my world, so I don't see why you would. If there's anything you need to know about it, I could probably teach you anyway."

It was good to be able to talk about something that given the situation, was totally unimportant, but it was a shred of normalcy. Hopefully it would ease Ryuutaro. Hayato knew he would have to keep that gap open for a bit more for his boyfriend. The less he knew the better off he would be. If he couldn't see the damage then it couldn't change him, if Hayato could just keep showing Ryuutaro all the good things... then it would all be alright!

"I don't see why I would, but then again, even I can't predict all possible situations in the future. I've never even entered a public school, so maybe I've missed out on something important. I consider it unlikely."
Yes, even if school had been mandatory in Beyblade world, Ryuutaro would've probably gotten a private teacher. He used to be a spoiled kid like that.

And he actually didn't know about the things taught in school. He knew writing and reading and magic, it was all he needed. Maths outside of beyblade physics for example was something that he had remained completely oblivious of in his life. He'd just never needed these things.

"I could... teach you how to speak Italian.... erm... if you wanted."

It was a bit of a bold offer on his part. He didn't figure Ryuutaro cared much for his native language. He hadn't really expressed much interest in his culture other than how it pertained directly to Hayato. It was probably stupid for him to ask. It was a ballsy move on his part after all. He chuckles nervously and looks off to the side.

"Or maybe I could try to teach you somethin' useful instead..."

It was true, Ryuutaro's interest in foreign cultures was extremely low, an exception only made for the regional fortune-telling methods.
Italian... It always sounded so foreign to Ryuutaro's ears, he knew he'd be embarrassing himself a lot trying to speak it. Reading a menu was already hard enough.
But then again, it had always been bothering how he couldn't understand a word of the Italian things Hayato said sometimes. Having at least a basic grasp on the language would make him less of an outsider to Hayato's origin.

"I suppose knowing the essentials of your language would be convenient.."
If he doesn't embarrass himself trying. Which he would. The dark, dark side of this. Maybe understand would be enough?

And from just that little agreement alone was enough to make his face light up. He knew what Ryuutaro was like. For him to agree to this, to take in a part of his own culture, it made Hayato feel a bit closer to him. There had always been a bit of a cultural gap between them, Hayato was only able to clumsily integrate into normal Japanese culture after all. Though considering he went from life on the streets a world away only to get thrown into the life of a relatively normal life in such an old established culture. He had made strides in it, but in all honesty he was FAR from ever fitting in. It was a tough thing to admit but the turmoil and violence of this time was far more natural to him than his regular life in Japan.

But if Ryuutaro learned maybe a little bit about where he came from... then he wouldn't have to try and hold so much of it back. It would be so nice to have just a little bit of familiarity, even if it was something as simple as his language He didn't care how poorly Ryuutaro spoke it.

"All we have to do is hold out a little longer... then everything can go back to normal!"

Ryuutaro nodded and smiled. He didn't feel good now, but better, a lot better than just a few moments ago. Even if he didn't know what 'normal' was in this world, it seemed like a good enough thing to look forward to.

"We've been holding out through all those months at the Manor, I'd be surprised if we couldn't this time."

If they talked like this he couldn't help but just push aside everything cruel he'd seen earlier and be exited about settling down into a new world. It was a thrilling thought as long as he didn't think about the complete lack of Beyblades.

And for the moment Hayato was happy. Happy enough to lean over the table to give Ryuutaro a kiss.

Things remained relatively good for the next few days at least. Hayato continued to smile through, despite the growing pressure from his failure after each day he did his best to act like everything was fine. Until eventually the stress from his failures made it impossible for him to keep up with his 'I'm fine' routine. He stopped eating and essentially locked himself in the library, refusing to respond to anyone on the other side of the door. He was working on his second day of solitude.

Tsuna had finished his training for the day and thought it would be a wise point to go see how Hayato was doing. He knew how... erm... Hayato could be. Say everything was fine then nearly get himself killed training. Completely oblivious to Hayato's stay in the library...

Ryuutaro didn't know how to feel and his own uncertainity bothered him almost as much as the world in itself. What was happening to Hayato though was a whole other thing and Ryuutaro couldn't help, but be scared.
It was natural, he could've seen it coming and yet he somehow found no real way to do anything about it.
He could foresee the future again, which was always a bonus, but to his displeasure, he still couldn't make visions appear exactly as he needed them. His general 'good-or-bad-black-or-white'-knowledge didn't do in this place, right now they needed specific information and he really couldn't give it.

It wasn't that Ryuutaro felt a specific desire to be useful to anybody. He wanted to get out of here and return this place to whatever normal was as much as the next person, but that wasn't the point.
He was just feeling powerless, no matter how hard he tried to get better. It didn't surprise him. He knew how much work getting better at anything could take and special or not, he needed to put it into things as much as anybody else. Ryuutaro had never been one to assume he'd just be able to do something, even though he acted like it.

And Hayato... Ryuutaro sighed and leaned his head back against the wall. At the moment he sat in front of the library. He needed time to think about how he could help Hayato get over this, because this was killing them both slowly. He needed to put a stop to this.
But he didn't have the time and there was no way he could buy it. And maybe.... even if he had it, he wouldn't be able to... Ryuutaro stopped this train of thought immediately.

He stood up and decided to walk for a bit. This wasn't outside, the sky was nowhere in sight, so it wouldn't help him at all, but maybe if he kept his eyes fixed on the ground mostly he could pretend that there was sky above him and not just a ceiling that felt like it would crush down on him with all it's weight.

That was when he run into Tsuna. Because of all people here, it just had to be this person. The 'Tenth', oh yes, of course. Ryuutaro didn't have a specific problem with him, but that still did for some unresolved wavering problem nobody could put a finger on.

"Good day", he greeted formally.

Tsuna smiles cheerfully at Ryuutaro... but then his face turned a bit worried. He had been so taken in by training he wasn't aware of what was going on with Gokudera. The few times Tsuna had entered the kitchen he usually fell asleep before he even finished his food, and obviously missed Gokudera's absence... and now here was Ryuutaro... without Gokudera.

"Where's Gokudera... he's usually with you, isn't he? Reborn sent me to check on him..."

Straight to the point. At least Tsuna could get that right, even though it only annoyed him further at the moment. His face didn't show anything of it though. Instead he smirked his usual smirk, giving away nothing of what was going on inside of him.

"He's in the library, if you want to go looking for him. But I'm afraid I have to warn you, fortune might not be with you when you talk to him. He's not... very communicative these days. But since it's you maybe things are different?"

"Not very communicative?" Tsuna's face takes on an almost exasperated look, mixed with a good deal of his usual ~~derp~~ insecurity, "H-he's doing that thing again isn't he? Where he pushes himself too hard?"

And he starts heading toward the library, obviously this had been some sort of concern... and not the first time he's pulled a stunt like this. Tsuna himself appeared to be both worried and a bit tired of Gokudera's antics. Lord knows what he's gone and done this time...

And squatting in front of the library peeking into the keyhole is Yamamoto, looking cheerful as ever, in his full kendo garb, clearly having just finished as well.

"I suppose you could very well describe it as 'that thing'", Ryuutaro replied, following Tsuna back to the library. He didn't mean to leave for longer than a few minutes anyway, he'd just needed his head cleared.

...

...and another person. Another reason Ryuutaro really wanted to get out of this underground-place. It was crowded.

"Is there anything interesting to see?", he asked sweetly, because concern or not this was spying on his boyfriend and honestly, Ryuutaro was not amused.

Yamamoto looked over, simply beaming and starts to wave the two over to come check something out, but there's a moment. Tsuna stops right in his tracks and Yamamoto's grin is wiped clean off his face as a sudden wave of heat comes off the wall of the library. Yamamoto bolts towards Ryuutaro and Tsuna and tackles them both to the ground just as the entire front wall of the library is blows through by a massive wave of red storm flames.

In the smoking aftermath, there are a few flashes of light as Gokudera recalls his weapon, however an angry cat yowling can be heard.

"There I got it... now I just got to find a way to explain this little guy to the boss..."

And the smoke clears, revealing a dirty, tired Gokudera. His glasses are broken and half hanging off his face, his hair has been tussled up, and a familiar feline is clinging to his head possessively. Clearly he wasn't even aware anyone was nearby.

Ryuutaro untangled from the other two boys as quickly as he possibly good and his first proper action afterwards is crawling away.
Only after that is done, he turned to look at Hayato. With Uri.

So he did it. So he really did it, after all this time. For a moment Ryuutaro was just relieved. Everything needed to turn out right now, there was not a single bit of doubt.
With the relief came a desire to just run over to Hayato, press against him, then put him to bed...

But no. What did he even think? Leaving everybody hanging like this, doing stupid things, making him worry, leaving him basically on his own in this horrible, hateable place?
Suddenly Ryuutaro'd pride didn't allow him to move a single inch towards Hayato. How could he? He was such an idiot sometimes!

... and then there was this part of him which he desperately wanted to ignore. The one who still couldn't believe that this world, this weird, horrible place, was going to be his homeworld.
And who told him Hayato wouldn't do this more often? Tsunayoshi had seemed used to it. And he knew perfectly well how Hayato could be.... how he was most of the time actually.
This was... stupid. And just a bit too much to take.

The different feelings and urges just crashed down on Ryuutaro like he expected the ceiling to do earlier.
He knew, if he did anything now, it'd be stupid.
So Ryuutaro remained where he was, doing nothing at all in a desperate try to seem composed and get himself together already.

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timeskip 'cause BWUH.

Aaaaaand finally.... (Also Ryuu->Tsuna is a bit like Dera->Ginga XD)

lol NOW YOU KNOW HOW DERA FELT RYUUTARO. Waving you Ginger superhero in front of him like that...

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