andsuddenlydynamite | (no subject)

Ryuutaro couldn't hold back a sharp exhaling of breath as Shamal said the last phrase. He wished it was like that. How he wished it was. But he's seen him die. He knew it was possible, it could happen, from one moment to another. In a matter of minutes the person he loved could be erased from the world and he knew painfully well how it felt.

"I can say that I know. I know him longer than a few days. It does seem impossible to go without seeing him injured... I have seen every level of injury on him." Which was probably true... "And I have to say it does not make it feel any better."

"So how do you know him? You friends from school or somethin'? Don't remember seein' you when I was over in Japan." Granted that had been a while ago, but still. The kid hadn't been there for the ring battles and to his knowledge Hayato hadn't gotten into trouble like that since.

It was also curious as to why Hayato was in Italy again, but really, it was none of his business.

And again... Ryuutaro wondered how many times he would have to clear up the state of their relationship again. And how they met. This was going to be difficult.
He half-worried that this man would react badly, too. Hayato had just gotten shot because of them being together... But he still didn't feel like hiding anything. And besides, his father's men were all around and he was almost sure that if he asked them to, they might even shoot a person.

"No, we did not meet in school. I don't have much to do with the people he usually spends time with. We have nothing in common, so it is quite possible that you have never seen me around them."
And so much was even completely true.
"Also Hayato and I are not merely just friends."

Shamal raised his brows, seemingly more surprised that Gokudera had made friends outside the Vongola than of him having a boyfriend. He chuckled a bit, finding this new bit rather amusing, "Y'don't say? And here I was thinking he was fine just settled so deep in the closet he found Narnia."

Much like Bianchi, he figured Hayato might swing for the other team a while ago... which was why teasing Hayato about women was so entertaining. Now meeting the boyfriend... oh he couldn't wait for Hayato to wake up.

Ryuutaro had to admit he had no clue what Narnia even was, but he assumed it was not relevant anyway. In a situation like this he really couldn't be bothered with pop-culture explanations.
Half-heartedly he opened his fan and attempted a smirk.
"It appears that I was able to convince him otherwise."
And Hayato him. Ryuutaro really couldn't say he had been leaning towards boys before... or towards girls, for that matter.
Then again, he still didn't consider himself to be a specific sexuality at all. 'Homosexual', 'Bisexual', 'Heterosexual'... it were terms he could not really see himself fit with and ultimately it didn't matter.
He had Hayato, he didn't need anything else... and he was him. Being Ryuutaro defied all need for further clarification.

"Yeah, I can see that." And he snickered a bit pointing to the hickey. He was very aware what that implied they had done, but thinking back on his attempts to give him flirting lessons and simply couldn't believe that Hayato could ever manage to get any. the boy was too much of a bumbling klutz to get that far.

Yeah, alright he just had to get Hayato up now, so many things he wanted to say to him. Shamal pushed himself up off the chair and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed... it would only be a matter of time before the boy could just feel his presence and reacted to it.

... At this point Ryuutaro made a mental note to himself to kill Hayato the moment he woke up. He had been furious enough to be marked in such a way, but for the entire world to see?! What an idiotic move.
While Ryuutaro had no problem with showing who he was with in public, he did have a problem with taking this level of intimacy outside.
The moment Shamal looked away he pulled his yukata up a bit more again, knowing very well that it didn't have much use.

The fortune-teller decided against commenting further though, keeping his last bit of grace as he looked back to Hayato in silence.
Instantly his fury vanished and was replaced with worry again. He was sure he wouldn't sleep a second before Hayato was fine again. The irrational fear of him vanishing was too big.

Gokudera made a little noise and twitched a bit in his uneasy rest. Shamal smirked and lightly patted the side of Gokudera's face.
ng it.
"Come on sleeping beauty time to rise and shi-"

And before Shamal could get out the last of his sentence, Gokudera sleepily opened and eye... and instinctively slammed his fist up into Shamal's nose upon seeing his face. The doctor stumbled back holding his now bleeding nose.

"Ah- sunnova bitch, why's it always in the face?!"

Gokudera didn't pay much heed to Shamal, in fact he had just punched the man out of reflex, he had no idea where he was or much of anything. He groaned a bit and tried looking around, when he saw his boyfriend looking at him worriedly.

"A-amore..."

Ryuutaro would've at least raised an eyebrow at that scene, if he hadn't been so worried and out of his mind right now. His thoughts were fluctuating in odd manners and he really couldn't care less about beaten doctors right now.
So he paid Shamal absolutely no mind and just kind of fell to his knees next to Hayato's bed.

"I'm so glad..."
And he was. He wanted to take Hayato's hand, anything, but as he reached out he noticed that there was still a bit of dried blood on his hands. For a moment he hesitated, but then he took Hayato's hand anyway, although he wasn't able to stand looking there.

Gokudera just smiled and closed his eyes feeling the warm hand holding his, but the smile was brief. It only took a few moments before the events at his father's house came flooding back to him and his eyes started to water.

"Ryuutaro... he... I... I'm not...."

He held Ryuutaro's hand tighter. He was unwanted... he was such a horrible person that his father couldn't even speak to him as though he was a person. Why was he so horrible that he couldn't be loved... why couldn't he have a family?

Shamal was about to put up a fuss when he saw Hayato's emotional state. He figured it would be better to just leave him in his lover's hands until he calmed down. He didn't like to get into these sorts of matters.

"No."
It was almost defensive, it came out so fast, but Ryuutaro couldn't help it. Hayato's father was wrong, everyone was wrong, this entire world was. He was not even going to consider it to be any other way, because he knew he was right.

"Whatever he said, it's not true. Such a person can't be right."
It was the only truth Ryuutaro knew about this. He could look down at this messed up boy with the thousands of traits he hated or should hate... and he still was convinced he was the only beautiful thing this world had ever created. And Ryuutaro wasn't willing to look at this place long enough to let it prove him wrong.

"But... h-he... he's my dad." It had to mean something if his own father threw him away like that. Ryuutaro's father hated him too, and so did his mother. The tears started streaming down his face, and he just broke down in sobs. It was usually much harder to get him to cry but at the moment he couldn't feel any lower.

"W-what's wrong with me Ryuutaro? Wh-what did I do wrong?" He loses the inability to speak for a moment, " Wh-why am I s-so horrible... th-that I... I can't have a f-family like you?"

Father... For a moment Ryuutaro wished that this word would mean anything to him, anything more than an unnecessary tie. Maybe then he could understand what Hayato felt and find better words to ease the pain.
Hayato was in so much pain and he couldn't even understand it. It hurt, it hurt badly. Especially with that last question added to it. Ryuutaro would've given anything to change fate, change positions. If Hayato wanted his parents, he could have them, Ryuutaro would be fine with that, but sadly it wasn't that easy.

"You can have a family... but only with people who deserve you. He doesn't. Never did."

The boy tried to keep his voice steady as he replied. He didn't want to appear weak now of all times, no matter how he had felt until moments ago and how he felt now. Hayato should be able to believe him with everything he said, because he was right.

"You went against what his narrow mind dictates him to be right... There is nothing wrong with you, it's in their minds. In this world you are the best thing..."
His grip on Hayato's hands tightened as well, almost violently so.
"...give me just a bit more time and I will prove this entire world wrong... I promise."
And for once he had no idea how to even do that, it was so obvious that he was right and everyone at this place was wrong after all... But he would be willing to try. Even if he was just a little boy and this was a world, he refused to back down to a place that had hurt Hayato so badly. And he would start with this horrible person who was not even worth being associated with Hayato. He didn't know how, but he had to.

Gokudera just shook his head, His next words were spoken between sobs, "I... I think th-that I'm glad m-my mother died... at least this w-way... I didn't have to.. see her... h-hate me too..."

And again he was just lost in the sobs. He felt so horrible, so disgusting. How could anyone love him? How long would it be until Ryuutaro found him disgusting and left him too? How long would the Vongola stand him? He always did his best to prove to the world that he was worth the space he took up... but no matter how hard he tried he always was rejected. Everything hurt and he just wanted it all to end. He was just so tired of this pain. He almost wished his father had killed him... anything was better than this.... anything at all...

"I-it's never gonna stop..."

"... don't. Don't say that. Don't."
Ryuutaro was beginning to sound almost panicked, but he gave his best to conceal it. He needed to be strong, he couldn't break down here as well. It was just not an option.
"It will stop... I promise. It will. trust me... "
And then he forgot about Hayato's injury and just pulled him up enough to wrap his arms around his sobbing boyfriend.

"I-it will be alright... I promise. You have my word that I will make it better..."
Deep down Ryuutaro knew that he was going to regret this promises later... Hopefully it wouldn't turn out to bad... But he couldn't really think straight. He just wanted to see Hayato stop crying like this.

"Because I love you... it's not impossible... not at all."
And that was when he couldn't really keep himself from shaking a bit anymore. He had to make this better, he had to. Hayato had died because of him, almost died again because of him and not even the highest self-confidence in the world could just talk that down. He had been the trigger for this and while it was entirely that man's fault, Ryuutaro knew he was the one who had to make it better.

Hayato reached up to fling his arms around his boyfriend, ignoring the IV in his amr, and just clung to him with everything he had. He buried his face into Ryuutaro’s shoulder surrounding himself with the warmth from his body, his scent, the feel of his clothes, trying to lose himself in the embrace from his lover. He didn’t want anything else to exist. He just wanted to hide like this forever, where he could never be hurt again… or at least until Ryuutaro learned to hate him too and threw him away. He let out another burst of sobs at Ryuutaro’s words. Empty promises… but…he wanted to believe it so badly. He knew Ryuutaro was trying. Hayato shook his head.

“It can’t… it’s always going to hurt… It… it’s never stopped hurting…” There were moments when he could push the pain away for a little while and just be happy. Like when he was with the Vongola, or Ryuutaro… sometimes he just felt so happy he got hopeful that the pain would never come back… like after he and Ryuutaro made love… he was so happy, he didn’t think anything could hurt him anymore. Now this. He could never be happy, he just wasn’t worth it. He was just damaged goods. A broken boy who would always be unwanted and thrown away.

"...how can you know?"
Ryuutaro wasn't sure if he should whisper or talk strongly. He didn't know anything but that he had to keep talking. He wasn't going to give up this easily.
"Have you seen the future? Do you have an idea of fate?"
He paused for only the blink of an eye, the only time he needed to continue.
"And let me tell you something... Neither do I. Even what I see are only fragments."
And everything else he ever said were lies, lies, lies, in which he believed himself. Ryuutaro was a liar, always had been and most likely always would be. Not even to himself he could be fully honest. But at times the truth seemed more suitable than anything else, even if Ryuutaro wasn't fully sure if it wasn't just another lie and what he had made himself believe was the truth. But what did it matter? It were his true feelings and those were harder to disguise than simple spoken truths.
"So how can you know...?"
Ryuutaro pulled his head back a bit to look at Hayato with a look of determination on the edge - sincere and strong for the moment but ready to break into pained insanity every second.

"That's why you don't just decide things like this. Hayato... I.. I do not have the physical resources to tear down all these things like you did for me... So wait a bit longer... I'm not leaving you with this pain."

Gokudera just stared at Ryuutaro as he spoke, taking in every word. He always believed what Ryuutaro told him, he never saw the lies at all. In his mind Ryuutaro was flawless. Held on to every word, finally begging to calm down a little bit.

"Y-you don't... y-you don't have to... I'm happy i-if you just... just k-keep holding me... a-and saying you l-love me..."

After all, that always seemed to ease the pain for a little while. He couldn't believe that the pain would ever go away... but he liked just being able to pretend it wasn't there for a time.

"I'm not blind... It's obvious that this isn't enough..."

What he was doing wasn't enough, still wasn't enough. It hurt to admit it, almost physically so. But still, it was a necessary pain. Ryuutaro needed to feel it so that then he could learn to be stronger, so that he could push himself to points where it would be.
It was the most important lesson Hayato might have taught him. It wasn't enough. He wasn't good enough yet. Even if before Ryuutaro had always kept struggling to get stronger, he had relied on already being very good.

It had meant nothing.

Nothing at all.

He might be a wonderful person, but he wasn't at the end of his path at all. So he should take all of his weaknesses with pride and not hide... That was what he kept thinking, but it wasn't so easy. Not with what he saw, not with Hayato like that...
He wanted to protect Hayato like Hayato protected him. So why, why, why did that have to be impossible as they were now?
Being a guided beloved person, protected, served and safe... it was wonderful, but like this it was beginning to feel like the fishglass over and over again.

Ryuutaro cleared his throat a bit.

"Even if I don't have to, I want to... What kind of person would I be if I let all this happen to the person I love? That's why... That's why..."

Ah. He could feel his strong facade finally breaking down. He was just a scared boy after all, but that was something he wouldn't want to think about.
Ryuutaro bit his lip.

"... could you ... hold on just... a little longer?"

Hayato continued to stare, no longer overcome with the sobs the tears just streamed silently down his face with the exception of some sniffling and sharp inhaling from having cried so hard. His face was red and puffy and he looked exhausted and ill... but at that last remark there was a little flicker of a smile. He gave a little nod and leaned forward to press his lips gently against Ryuutaro's, then lightly nuzzled against him a bit despite his face being hot, sticky, and wet from the tears. Then, finally, he rests his head on Ryuutaro's shoulder, letting his body just fall limp against him.

"I-I'll wait... f-forever... as long as you're here l-like this..." Then there's another choked, weak sob, "I-I love you so much... please don't leave me..."

"I won't..."
Ryuutaro closed his eyes as he raised his hand to brush through Hayato's hair comfortingly.
"You are my fate... and even if that were not true... I wouldn't care...."

Admittedly he possibly would, but not as much as he once would have. And he got the suspicion he wasn't going to find out what exactly fate thought about them anyway, so what did it matter?

Gokudera relaxed from the hand gently running through his hair, snuggling a little closer. He always liked it when Ryuutaro ran his hands through his hair or just touched him in gentle. He was always so gentle.... he never hurt him. Not once...

"This feels nice...."

Ryuutaro smiled a bit. Just the little comment calmed him down a bit as well... He knew the entire next time was going to be a tough fight, possibly even a dangerous one, but right now he had succeeded in at least comforting Hayato a little bit. It felt good.

"I'm not going to stop..."
For a moment he wanted to add something like 'See? Everything is fine as long as you're with me' but then he realized again that all this had happened just because Hayato was with him... and stayed silent.

He remained like that for a while... not saying anything, just calming down and enjoying Ryuutaro's touch. The tears still fell, but now he had control of his breathing so they fell silently. Eventually he felt his eyelids grow heavy... he was just so tired...

"Mmm... Ryuutaro... I'm tired...."

"Then sleep... I'll stay right here. You are safe..."

Ryuutaro shifted so he could kiss his boyfriend's forehead. Sleep would probably be the best thing for him now, in sleeping he didn't have to think.

And Ryuutaro didn't have to think up comforting words either.

"Do you want to lay down properly again?"

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IGNORE REIJI'S SLEEVE; OKAY?

Dera just stole his shirt. IT'S COOL.

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