andsuddenlydynamite | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

After a long ass day showing Ryuutaro around the places he knew in Italy, Hayato and his boyfriend retired to the hotel the Author has shipped them together in. It was pretty nice, and at least Hayato didn't have to pay... granted he had already picked enough pockets to keep them held over for a week.

While Hayato had grown up hating his home... being in the familiar climate and speaking his native language again was a rare comfort after spending lord knows how many years they've been stuck at the manor. And to be able to show Ryuutaro the more charming aspects of his homeland. Though it had been a long day, they had been on their feet and were getting ready to crash, but the sights and sounds of Italy had drawn the boy to the window. He had opened it and was leaning out of it, letting the wind blow through his hair. His shirt was discarded due to the temperature, his necklace beat against his chest as the warm night air blew it. He's got a great big smile across his face looking at the lights over the Italian city.

"Damn.... it been a real long time..."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"But... h-he... he's my dad." It had to mean something if his own father threw him away like that. Ryuutaro's father hated him too, and so did his mother. The tears started streaming down his face, and he just broke down in sobs. It was usually much harder to get him to cry but at the moment he couldn't feel any lower.

"W-what's wrong with me Ryuutaro? Wh-what did I do wrong?" He loses the inability to speak for a moment, " Wh-why am I s-so horrible... th-that I... I can't have a f-family like you?"

Father... For a moment Ryuutaro wished that this word would mean anything to him, anything more than an unnecessary tie. Maybe then he could understand what Hayato felt and find better words to ease the pain.
Hayato was in so much pain and he couldn't even understand it. It hurt, it hurt badly. Especially with that last question added to it. Ryuutaro would've given anything to change fate, change positions. If Hayato wanted his parents, he could have them, Ryuutaro would be fine with that, but sadly it wasn't that easy.

"You can have a family... but only with people who deserve you. He doesn't. Never did."

The boy tried to keep his voice steady as he replied. He didn't want to appear weak now of all times, no matter how he had felt until moments ago and how he felt now. Hayato should be able to believe him with everything he said, because he was right.

"You went against what his narrow mind dictates him to be right... There is nothing wrong with you, it's in their minds. In this world you are the best thing..."
His grip on Hayato's hands tightened as well, almost violently so.
"...give me just a bit more time and I will prove this entire world wrong... I promise."
And for once he had no idea how to even do that, it was so obvious that he was right and everyone at this place was wrong after all... But he would be willing to try. Even if he was just a little boy and this was a world, he refused to back down to a place that had hurt Hayato so badly. And he would start with this horrible person who was not even worth being associated with Hayato. He didn't know how, but he had to.

Gokudera just shook his head, His next words were spoken between sobs, "I... I think th-that I'm glad m-my mother died... at least this w-way... I didn't have to.. see her... h-hate me too..."

And again he was just lost in the sobs. He felt so horrible, so disgusting. How could anyone love him? How long would it be until Ryuutaro found him disgusting and left him too? How long would the Vongola stand him? He always did his best to prove to the world that he was worth the space he took up... but no matter how hard he tried he always was rejected. Everything hurt and he just wanted it all to end. He was just so tired of this pain. He almost wished his father had killed him... anything was better than this.... anything at all...

"I-it's never gonna stop..."

"... don't. Don't say that. Don't."
Ryuutaro was beginning to sound almost panicked, but he gave his best to conceal it. He needed to be strong, he couldn't break down here as well. It was just not an option.
"It will stop... I promise. It will. trust me... "
And then he forgot about Hayato's injury and just pulled him up enough to wrap his arms around his sobbing boyfriend.

"I-it will be alright... I promise. You have my word that I will make it better..."
Deep down Ryuutaro knew that he was going to regret this promises later... Hopefully it wouldn't turn out to bad... But he couldn't really think straight. He just wanted to see Hayato stop crying like this.

"Because I love you... it's not impossible... not at all."
And that was when he couldn't really keep himself from shaking a bit anymore. He had to make this better, he had to. Hayato had died because of him, almost died again because of him and not even the highest self-confidence in the world could just talk that down. He had been the trigger for this and while it was entirely that man's fault, Ryuutaro knew he was the one who had to make it better.

Hayato reached up to fling his arms around his boyfriend, ignoring the IV in his amr, and just clung to him with everything he had. He buried his face into Ryuutaro’s shoulder surrounding himself with the warmth from his body, his scent, the feel of his clothes, trying to lose himself in the embrace from his lover. He didn’t want anything else to exist. He just wanted to hide like this forever, where he could never be hurt again… or at least until Ryuutaro learned to hate him too and threw him away. He let out another burst of sobs at Ryuutaro’s words. Empty promises… but…he wanted to believe it so badly. He knew Ryuutaro was trying. Hayato shook his head.

“It can’t… it’s always going to hurt… It… it’s never stopped hurting…” There were moments when he could push the pain away for a little while and just be happy. Like when he was with the Vongola, or Ryuutaro… sometimes he just felt so happy he got hopeful that the pain would never come back… like after he and Ryuutaro made love… he was so happy, he didn’t think anything could hurt him anymore. Now this. He could never be happy, he just wasn’t worth it. He was just damaged goods. A broken boy who would always be unwanted and thrown away.

"...how can you know?"
Ryuutaro wasn't sure if he should whisper or talk strongly. He didn't know anything but that he had to keep talking. He wasn't going to give up this easily.
"Have you seen the future? Do you have an idea of fate?"
He paused for only the blink of an eye, the only time he needed to continue.
"And let me tell you something... Neither do I. Even what I see are only fragments."
And everything else he ever said were lies, lies, lies, in which he believed himself. Ryuutaro was a liar, always had been and most likely always would be. Not even to himself he could be fully honest. But at times the truth seemed more suitable than anything else, even if Ryuutaro wasn't fully sure if it wasn't just another lie and what he had made himself believe was the truth. But what did it matter? It were his true feelings and those were harder to disguise than simple spoken truths.
"So how can you know...?"
Ryuutaro pulled his head back a bit to look at Hayato with a look of determination on the edge - sincere and strong for the moment but ready to break into pained insanity every second.

"That's why you don't just decide things like this. Hayato... I.. I do not have the physical resources to tear down all these things like you did for me... So wait a bit longer... I'm not leaving you with this pain."

Gokudera just stared at Ryuutaro as he spoke, taking in every word. He always believed what Ryuutaro told him, he never saw the lies at all. In his mind Ryuutaro was flawless. Held on to every word, finally begging to calm down a little bit.

"Y-you don't... y-you don't have to... I'm happy i-if you just... just k-keep holding me... a-and saying you l-love me..."

After all, that always seemed to ease the pain for a little while. He couldn't believe that the pain would ever go away... but he liked just being able to pretend it wasn't there for a time.

"I'm not blind... It's obvious that this isn't enough..."

What he was doing wasn't enough, still wasn't enough. It hurt to admit it, almost physically so. But still, it was a necessary pain. Ryuutaro needed to feel it so that then he could learn to be stronger, so that he could push himself to points where it would be.
It was the most important lesson Hayato might have taught him. It wasn't enough. He wasn't good enough yet. Even if before Ryuutaro had always kept struggling to get stronger, he had relied on already being very good.

It had meant nothing.

Nothing at all.

He might be a wonderful person, but he wasn't at the end of his path at all. So he should take all of his weaknesses with pride and not hide... That was what he kept thinking, but it wasn't so easy. Not with what he saw, not with Hayato like that...
He wanted to protect Hayato like Hayato protected him. So why, why, why did that have to be impossible as they were now?
Being a guided beloved person, protected, served and safe... it was wonderful, but like this it was beginning to feel like the fishglass over and over again.

Ryuutaro cleared his throat a bit.

"Even if I don't have to, I want to... What kind of person would I be if I let all this happen to the person I love? That's why... That's why..."

Ah. He could feel his strong facade finally breaking down. He was just a scared boy after all, but that was something he wouldn't want to think about.
Ryuutaro bit his lip.

"... could you ... hold on just... a little longer?"

Hayato continued to stare, no longer overcome with the sobs the tears just streamed silently down his face with the exception of some sniffling and sharp inhaling from having cried so hard. His face was red and puffy and he looked exhausted and ill... but at that last remark there was a little flicker of a smile. He gave a little nod and leaned forward to press his lips gently against Ryuutaro's, then lightly nuzzled against him a bit despite his face being hot, sticky, and wet from the tears. Then, finally, he rests his head on Ryuutaro's shoulder, letting his body just fall limp against him.

"I-I'll wait... f-forever... as long as you're here l-like this..." Then there's another choked, weak sob, "I-I love you so much... please don't leave me..."

"I won't..."
Ryuutaro closed his eyes as he raised his hand to brush through Hayato's hair comfortingly.
"You are my fate... and even if that were not true... I wouldn't care...."

Admittedly he possibly would, but not as much as he once would have. And he got the suspicion he wasn't going to find out what exactly fate thought about them anyway, so what did it matter?

Gokudera relaxed from the hand gently running through his hair, snuggling a little closer. He always liked it when Ryuutaro ran his hands through his hair or just touched him in gentle. He was always so gentle.... he never hurt him. Not once...

"This feels nice...."

Ryuutaro smiled a bit. Just the little comment calmed him down a bit as well... He knew the entire next time was going to be a tough fight, possibly even a dangerous one, but right now he had succeeded in at least comforting Hayato a little bit. It felt good.

"I'm not going to stop..."
For a moment he wanted to add something like 'See? Everything is fine as long as you're with me' but then he realized again that all this had happened just because Hayato was with him... and stayed silent.

He remained like that for a while... not saying anything, just calming down and enjoying Ryuutaro's touch. The tears still fell, but now he had control of his breathing so they fell silently. Eventually he felt his eyelids grow heavy... he was just so tired...

"Mmm... Ryuutaro... I'm tired...."

"Then sleep... I'll stay right here. You are safe..."

Ryuutaro shifted so he could kiss his boyfriend's forehead. Sleep would probably be the best thing for him now, in sleeping he didn't have to think.

And Ryuutaro didn't have to think up comforting words either.

"Do you want to lay down properly again?"

He nodded, " Could you... lay down with me?"

He still wanted him close. He was afraid of losing the physical contact. He just needed reassurance that someone was with him in it's most basic form. If Ryuutaro was touching him and holding him, then he couldn't leave. It was that simple.

Ryuutaro nodded as well, smiling a bit more. "Of course."

Details like that this was his father's place, he was clothed and rather dirty and the doctor who was probably still waiting just vanished completely from Ryuutaro's mind.

Right now there was just Hayato and the wish to see him better.

Gokudera let himself be moved down to the bed, but refused to let go of his grip on Ryuutaro's sleeve, and cuddled up to his boyfriend the moment he could. He nuzzled right into the crook of his neck as he always did when he was scared, or sad, or just needed the comfort or reassurance of his boyfriend.

And while the tears still flowed, he was relaxing more, actually willing to accept the embrace of sleep without any fight.

Ryuutaro was glad once Hayato fell asleep. Now he was at peace at least...
He himself was feeling exhaustion finally making itself noticeable, but he didn't want to give in to it. Hayato was injured... If he slept now... Who could guarantee that Hayato would still be here, still be alive, when he woke up?
And they weren't safe at this place either...

So, as tired as he was from all the emotional pain, Ryuutaro fought sleep with all he had, not willing to surrender.

Hayato was quick to doze off, and when he did the tears finally came to a stop. After a few hours Shale came in, poking at the injury, cleaning it, making sure all was good. He was quiet about it and luckily Gokudera did little more the stir slightly.

And whatever happened it was doubtful Hayato would wake up again anytime before very late morning at least.

Edited 2012-04-10 01:05 (UTC)

Whenever Hayato woke up, he'd find an awake boyfriend.
Ryuutaro had actually gone through with his plan of not sleeping (which was good because he actually had the chance to send his father away with a glare as he returned home, whispering to him that night-time wasn't exactly the best moment to talk things through.)
Every time he had almost fallen asleep or dozed off for a moment, Ryuutaro had been quick to wake up again. The fear was stronger than the physical sensation of being tired. Being awake all this time didn't feel exactly good and his thoughts were spinning, but Ryuutaro was glad he managed to do so.

Hayato cracked open a dull green eye and let out a groan. Whatever Shamal had used to numb the wound had long since worn off and Hayato could really feel the ache. He was sore and groggy... but after rubbing his eyes to clear his vision and seeing Ryuutaro still there, he smiled a bit.

"G'mornin'..."

Ryuutaro forced a smile back.
"Good morning to you, too."
Even though for him it would be far exaggerated to call it a 'good' morning. He was barely keeping his eyes open anymore after all and he had a terrible headache.
But it didn't matter. Hayato was awake and alive, so Ryuutaro would have to wake up and pull himself together, too. He was growing more awake by the second at least.

"How do you feel?" Obvious worry mixed into his voice.

He let out another moan in discomfort before speaking, "Heavy.... n'sore... n'my face hurts from cryin'..."

But then there's a little sigh and he nuzzled against Ryuutaro some more his smile coming back to him, "But warm..."

And just then Shamal mossied on in, coffee in hand, since he had it made very clear to him how welcome he was here, he didn't think he would be getting a free ~~lunch~~ late breakfast out of Nobuhiro.

"And hey, lookit that, the lovebirds are up. How you feelin' sleepin' beauty?"

Gokudera's face, while still swollen and puffy from the previous day, managed to contort into a nice Shamal-worthy scowl.

"Go eat a dick." Then he paused, looking around, "Where the hell are we? This ain't you're place."

"I'll take that as 'I'm doin' great Shamal! Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule to fix the big gaping hole I got in my side yesterday'! And I will respond with 'You're welcome Hayato. You just so happen to be at you're boyfriend's old man's joint and damn he's sure got a stick up his ass about us!"And of course he had to try and go an octave higher to try and mimic Hayato's voice.

"I hope you choke on your drink." While his tone was irritated, it remained just that. For all the bark he had at Shamal, there was very little bite. He had looked up to the old man for a very long time... despite obvious clashes in personality.

"You and many, many others." Going to just sip his coffee now.

As Hayato said he was warm, Ryuutaro couldn't help letting the fake smile drop to a smaller and honest one. It went back to the other smile the second Shamal entered, though.
'are up'. Hah. He'd been up all night, but it was nothing Ryuutaro wanted to say right now.
The interaction between Shamal and Hayato... Ryuutaro was pretty sure he would just not comment on it at all.
Instead he turned to Shamal.
"I hope my father has not said anything .... inappropriate?"
He smiled, but if his father said one wrong word about this he would go and hurt him.

Shamal waved his hand in front of him, dismissing Ryuutaro's worry, "Nothin' I haven't already heard from a Yakuza. He almost hides his repulsion when he speaks."

The key word there was almost. Not that Shamal could give half a crap either way. Still, he felt obliged to give the pair a good warning despite his urge to get out of there.

"You two might want to grab breakfast quick, Bianchi is on her way over."

Gokudera, even as groggy and half asleep as he was started to sputter in shock. He had no recollection of his sister's presence after he was shot.

"S-sis is coming?!"

Edited 2012-04-14 23:18 (UTC)