Hayato shrugs nonchalantly, "Didn't kill me the first time, won't kill me the second time."
Thought that didn't mean he had been any less terrified the second time. It had hurt. He had afraid he was going to die. But these were worries he wouldn't share with Ryuutaro. He had to make it so everyone thought he was fearless, so that he could bare their burdens as well as his own.
Then... there was that look. That toughened hardened look. Hayato's brows knit together in and he moved his hand to take Ryuutato's chin.
"Don't give me that look. Please don't give me that look. Don't try get used to this. If you get used to this then you're no better than I am. If you get used to it then you'll lose a part of yourself forever. Please."
And he places a brief but firm and apologetic kiss on Ryuutaro's lips. Ryuutaro came from such a nice innocent world, Hayato felt guilty enough for pulling him away from that, but the have Ryuutaro change to accept this cruel reality as everyday life? Hayato wouldn't be able to handle that kind of guilt. He remembered what it took for him to lose his naivete after months on the streets. He remembered how bitter his outlook on the world became, how he had started to hate it. No, if there was anything Ryuutaro had too keep it was the sense that this was not normal. This was cruel, that it wasn't supposed to happen, that it was something that needed to be prevented. That the world was still a place that could be fun and carefree. Hayato needed to keep that up for Ryuutaro.
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Thought that didn't mean he had been any less terrified the second time. It had hurt. He had afraid he was going to die. But these were worries he wouldn't share with Ryuutaro. He had to make it so everyone thought he was fearless, so that he could bare their burdens as well as his own.
Then... there was that look. That toughened hardened look. Hayato's brows knit together in and he moved his hand to take Ryuutato's chin.
"Don't give me that look. Please don't give me that look. Don't try get used to this. If you get used to this then you're no better than I am. If you get used to it then you'll lose a part of yourself forever. Please."
And he places a brief but firm and apologetic kiss on Ryuutaro's lips. Ryuutaro came from such a nice innocent world, Hayato felt guilty enough for pulling him away from that, but the have Ryuutaro change to accept this cruel reality as everyday life? Hayato wouldn't be able to handle that kind of guilt. He remembered what it took for him to lose his naivete after months on the streets. He remembered how bitter his outlook on the world became, how he had started to hate it. No, if there was anything Ryuutaro had too keep it was the sense that this was not normal. This was cruel, that it wasn't supposed to happen, that it was something that needed to be prevented. That the world was still a place that could be fun and carefree. Hayato needed to keep that up for Ryuutaro.